The Mother Lode

“OOOOOOH!!!!  Look at this,” I squealed to Jay.

“Oh-oh.  You’re on the internet again,” Jay said from the kitchen.

“What else is new?” I replied.  I felt a little hurt.

“It’s Craig again, isn’t it?” he asked.

Now I was hurt.  “I told you I’d stop cruising Craigslist,” I replied.  And I had.  Sorta.  Let’s just say I cut back on my rendezvous with the dear boy.

I was flirting with my other temptation: Amazon.  It started innocently enough….books, books and more books.

Then, like the spider to the fly, I was lured deeper into the parlor.  Household items.  Kiss My Face soap at a deep discount.  Wireless routers!  Vitamins!  And did I mention books?

So when I told Jay that I was on Amazon, I heard a deep sigh.

“Now what?” he asked sensing his budgeting efforts were about to be thwarted once again.   Jay, a CPA, has elevated the lowly budget to a high brow work of art.

He has created spreadsheets and detailed projected spending analysis’ that would bring order to the messiest finances.  That is, if you follow it.

“Well, I was thinking…..”

Jay appeared from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dish towel.

“You know how pesky it is when we go swimming or to a blue grass festival when we have to unload the car?”"

He cocked an eyebrow.

“Well, I was thinking….”  Oops.  I said that already.

Some women get tempted my cute young guys.  I get tempted by anything that suggests it could simplify my life a little.

“Look,” I said:

Look at the lines and curves on THIS puppy!

“You know how irritating it is lugging all that stuff from the van?  Get a load of this puppy!” I gushed.

No more banged up calves from those chairs thunking against us.  Nor more feeling like our family has become a camel train of coolers, chairs and bags of sunscreen.  (Especially when the camels are reluctant.)  Nor more HEADACHES for crying out loud! “

I went for the juggler on that one.  Ever since my crap should became a crap shoulder anything that promises deliverance from a headache gives me more spending leverage.

I pictured myself, cool…collected…no varicose veins, confidently navigating the swarms of unenlightened sweaty baby boomers in orthopedic shoes lugging their burdens.  They would longingly look at me pushing my Cart with its 10″ collapsible lug wheels.  I’d toss my head back and say breezily, “It holds up to four, did you hear me, FOUR lawn chairs.”

Even the young guys would be nudging each other while watching me stroll town square.  One would mutter, “Duuuuude, that is one hot mother…..”  I’d give them a playful little finger wave while my 48-ounce cooler merrily bumped along.

Right in the middle of my daydream, Jay interrupted me.  Dang him, anyway.

“How much is THIS thing going to be?”

I told him.

“And what is it going to be next month?  Your little quest to make life easier looks like a heck of a lot of work and costs a lot of money,” he said.

I made a little squeaking noise.

“Last month it was the Nu Wave Oven you found on craigslist that took two hours to clean,”  True.  The chicken was tasty but the clean up was a bug a boo.

“At least I sold it for the same amount I bought it for…”

“And then it was convection/microwave oven that made the exploding noises when it turned?”

“Hey, how was I supposed to know it would do that….and besides I sold that too for the…um…close to what I paid….”

“Hey!  I know!” he said.  Why don’t you buy The Cart and then…..” he made a dramatic leap, “You could write a book about this new thing you found that brought peace and ease into your life.  How it saved money and delivered you from headaches!  You could call it:

THE CART

He framed the words with flourished hands.

Hey!  That’s not a bad idea. (Shiny Object Syndrome is just things that shine…sometimes it’s just an idea.)

“Now what are you doing?’ he asked.

“Did you see my notebook?” I murmured.

So many things.  So many ideas.

Thankfully, we can to an agreement (meaning: I got my way).  I ordered The Cart.

It’s even got a special little pocket for small things like….like….notebooks.  Truly this was destiny.  I have a new book idea I’m working on.

Filed under: family life, humor, The Mother Lode column Tagged: | amazon, craigslist, humor