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    theresa


    Theresa Lode or, simply “T”, had her world turned upside down and inside out when her son was diagnosed with ADHD and a few other goodies. Her choice- follow the doctor's orders....or trust her heart and delve into the world of Free Range Education. She chose the latter...

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Did The System help kill my brother?

It’s been about a year and half since my brother, Dan, died.  Despite valiant efforts, we watched helplessly over a two day period as his life went from “business as usual” to a difficult decision to remove life support.  He died here in Helena, before we moved back and I find myself driving through town trying to picture my older brother walking down the street.  It still chokes me up to drive by his apartment.  He was 46 and too young to die.

But yet we weren’t surprised.  Dan’s life was a hard one: chemical addictions and long periods of homelessness. By the time they realized he was in acute liver failure, it was too late.  I still mourn his passing and I also mourn a life of what could have been.

My sisters and I have talked more than once about the “What if’s” and the contributing factors to Dan’s rough road in life.  (Yes, we understand that a person has the power of choice and are not pointing the finger at anyone.)

Dan was diagnosed at a young age as “hyperkinetic” (that’s ADHD in the modern parlance) and dyslexic.  Dan was whisked off to a facility with the mentally and emotionally ill where he was put on Ritalin and I’m sure…stigmatized.

By the time we moved across the state years later, we were all enrolled in the public school.  Having been in a private Catholic school, it was quite a shock for all of us.  It was a mean culture and a rough transition as we were the “outsiders” in this small town.

It was an especially cruel time for Dan though.  The ridicule and the depth of his academic struggles were staggering.  After 6th grade, I don’t even think he attended school at all.  He began experimenting with drugs about then.  Mom suspected he was self medicating his ADHD since he was no longer on Ritalin.  And looking back now….it was the beginning of the end.

Sure there were some other factors in Dan’s “issues.”  But I look back and see a catastrophic failure of The System as playing a role in his demise.  The One-Size-Fits-A-Few educational models that categorized Dan and his differences as deficient played a role.  He was weighed in the balance and found wanting.  That’s a shit-load of a trip for a 12-year-old.

Despite his labels, Dan was brilliant boy.  He would wire anything, work on a car and had an ear for music.  He was a whiz at electronics.  He was hyper and happy.  Boy, was he hyper!

I wonder if Dan’s life would have played out differently if he was told he was a smart boy. And given the opportunity to cultivate his strengths.  Less time remediating stuff he would never be good at (though I noticed his handwriting DID improve with age,) and more time learning a trade that would have given him a livelihood.

I am deeply, deeply concerned over the rising rates of ADHD diagnoses and the corresponding amount of kids on medication.  I am troubled by the “Dan’s” that are right now annoying their teachers in the classroom and receiving the message that they’re defective.

Charter schools are far from a perfect fix but it can be the needed first bite into the elephant, as it were.  What if there was a school that could accommodate the kids with learning differences?

Yes, I see that hand in the back of the class.  The local school’s supposed to do that.  Uh-huh.  Let’s talk about that with the teacher who’s got 26 kids, four of whom need uber extra help, in her class and is under the gun to make sure her class scores on the latest standardized tests are up to par.  (God help our poor teachers, heroes they are.)

But charters aren’t just a good idea for kids with special needs or learning differences.  There are also charter schools for kids with technical bents and schools that emphasize the arts.

The powers that be in Montana think the key is to increase the compulsory age to 18 to keep kids from dropping out.  I think we need to make school more relevant for these kids and the drop-out rates will take care of itself.  And I believe charter schools can help with the need for relevance.

It is incumbent upon parents and educators to realize that it’s time…way past time…to address our education crisis. There are too many Dan’s out there. But there are also dancers and dreamers who are disengaged…and the world needs their gifts too.

If you’ve stuck with me this far in this way lengthy epistle, I thank you.  And if you agree that it’s time to bring more options to the table for parents and their kids, please come show your support on Wednesday at 3PM for HB 603.

Finding the right tool

Would use a hoe to perfatape a wall? Or an awl to dig a hole?

As I write this, I am listening to a flooring guy scrape the subfloor of our kitchen in preparation to lay new vinyl.  We tried to get as much done as we could in advance to keep our costs down but I’m left to wonder if we really did save money.

The time, the frustration and the apparent futility of our work…even with a rented tool was not nearly as fruitful as what I’m hearing this guy accomplish…because he has the right tools.

As we get older, we realize with increasing frequency, that it pays to have someone else service our vehicles, install flooring or attend to household repairs.  Not because we’re incapable…Jay is quite handy as is Daniel.  Heck, I’m fairly capable in some areas too.

But when we set out to do something, the learning curve is a lot higher and it may take us hours to do what an expert can accomplish in one.  And then there’s that tool thing too.  (We finally figured that by the time we rented this one gizmo to install the underlayment on the kitchen floor, it really WAS cheaper to hire someone.)

Which brings me to kids and how we educate them.  School is the most widely used and recognized tool when it comes to education.  This is the tool that will open doors to bright and successful future, we are told.

But for many kids…it is the wrong tool.  And we wonder why kids are unmotivated and disillusioned with school.  We wonder why they’re dropping out. And we lament over sky rocketing rates of ADD/ADHD and historic numbers of kids on chemical leashes.

Do you remember the last time you worked at a job with the wrong tool?  (Don’t tell anyone but the language around here can get a bit salty when we don’t have the right tool.)

It’s time to rethink this school thing from a different angle.

Insisting that all children work with the “school tool” is both arrogant and ignorant.  To proclaim some children” learning disabled” and allow them to become stigmatized because they need a different set of tools is bodacious.

Every child has brilliance in them.  Every child is uniquely gifted.  The key is finding the right tool(s) to unlock and unleash their gifts to the world.  For some children, this may mean mentoring with a small business owner.  Or apprenticing with a craftsman.  Learning from an artist.

When you rethink the concept of school and education and realize how limiting a one tool approach is, endless and glorious possibilities appear.

A day in the the school of the future

I often say we don’t need educational reform…we need the whole shebang razed.   But how do we equip our kids educationally for the times we live in?  I believe this guy has some very important answers.  I love what he’s doing!  And did I mention this is F-R-E-E?

Guidelines for homeschooling your ADHD’er-2

Ready for some more guidelines on homeschooling your ADHD’er?  Here we go!

Recognize the different types of intelligence. According to an education PhD I visited with, MOST kids are NOT academic. Perhaps your kid’s a natural people person.  Or kids who are nurturing.  (One of my best friends is very nurturing; I especially appreciate her friendship when I’m hurting.)  Here’s a link to an interesting article on multiple intelligences.

Throw out your ruler. Yeah, that thing with which you’re measuring your kid’s performance.  ESPECIALLY if you’re child has special needs or learning differences.  The momentum with which Standardized testing mania is spreading (thanks to No Child Left Behind,) is NOT a metric to bring into your home.  What the schools are trying to quantify is a narrowly focused snapshot.  If you’re kid isn’t academically inclined please don’t use this to judge their smarts.

Allow them room to fidget. Since I’m mostly talking about ADHD here, please keep this in mind.  Insisting that your child “sit still” to learn something is probably shifting their entire focus from trying to learn what you want to learn…to focusing on sitting still. For these kids, sitting still while attending to a mental task is torture.  Is this a bad thing?  I don’t think so.  Some of the most brilliant entrepreneurs can’t sit still to save their lives.  And a desk job would kill them.

Allow plenty of opportunity for their creativity to grow. Quit focusing so much on their sloppy handwriting(Hello? Doctors?) and focus on cultivating their natural interests and bent.  Everyone will be happier.

Get out of the way! I’ve had many moms share with me their shameful secrets.  It usually goes something like this: I just let Johnny play with his electronics all day and we had the best day ever! Then their face will darken and they’ll add with deep regret, But we had to get our school work done. Ugh.  That never fails to pierce my heart.  A child’s play IS their school work.  Don’t underestimate the academic and creative power of play.

Enjoy the journey. I know you’re tired.  Know the kid is driving you crazy.   I know the road seems endless.  But…this is not the first time you’ve heard this…the years really do fly by.  (I can say that too knowing you’re out of reach from slapping me.  That’s precisely what I wanted to do when parents would tell me that.)

Parenting, homeschooling, life…it’s all a journey. And homeschooling them (or not) doesn’t conclude with a report card and a “You’re Arrived.”.  We journey with our kids for a season and then (hopefully) we send them off to…continue their journey.

And it’s all good!

 

Guidelines for homeschooling your ADHD’er

Wondering how to homeschool your hyperactive wonder?  Please note that I did not title this “How to Homeschool Your ADHD’er.”  Anymore, “how to” articles make me nervous.  How to lose weight.  How to be happy.  How to….. Everyone person is different and while one may learn some tidbits from someone else’s journey, there is no roadmap.  No easy 1-2-3 formula.  If someone tells you else wise, they’re selling something.

Now that we got that out of the way- here’s a few things I’ve learned in homeschooling my kids, one of whom was diagnosed with ADHD many years ago.

Know your child. If you have more than one child, you can recall how different each one felt the first time you held them in your arms.  (Or moms, how about when you were pregnant with them?)  This seems like such a basic thing but yet I still hear parents say, “Well, I really don’t know what my kid likes.”  HUH?  Stop everything, clear your overloaded calendar and schedule some lavish amounts of time with your kid.  I’ll just be standing over here by the water cooler to finish our chat later.

Understand their wiring. Yeah, this is sort of a rehash of my first point.  Consider their personality traits.  Is your kid a natural leader who needs a small island nation to rule or is he more of a contemplative thinker with a heart to serve others from behind the scenes?  This is also helpful in understanding your OWN wiring!  What motivates you may not motivate your child (and it may even frustrate them.)  I urge you to check out my friend Deb’s website: My Wired Style.  It will be money well spent to use her DISC survey.  Please.  Go. Do. This.

Cultivate their strengths. This is especially important if your child is fresh from public school where the “you’re defective” message has been received loud and clear.  The aim of school is to remediate so called deficiencies so your child can fit the norm (whatever the hell that means,) so the school can measure up on the standardized tests.

Begin with the end in mind. That’s my favorite Stephen Covey axiom.  The end in mind for public schools is: Every kid must go to college.  I trust you already understand the folly of this well intended but short sighted approach.  If your kid is obsessed with Legos, see if you can’t find him a mentor in the building industry.  Is Johnny fascinated by how things work; his future may include an apprenticeship.  Is Sally a natural born sales leader?  Cultivate that important skill!  Load her up on Zig Ziglar books.  Get a real estate agent who knows how to close the deal to spend some time with her.

As you can see, these things are not rocket science.  More tomorrow!

Raising perfect kids

Have you found yourself mulling over your parenting ways in light of the dialog over Amy Chua’s article and book?

I know many have; I’ve heard from some of them.  We parents are our own harshest critics.  I’m too lenient.  I should have made my kid stick with piano.  I let them play video games too much. (This one frequently echoes in my head.)

It’s good to regularly examine one’s ways and adjust when necessary.  I’m also a firm believer in giving oneself plenty of mercy and grace too.  We are imperfect parents raising imperfect kids.

The biggest problem dogging our heels, IMHO, is that SHAME and FEAR is the driving force of the many things we do as parents.

I was shouting “YES!” when I watched this TED talk.  In it, Brene Brown discusses the power of vulnerability.  Pay special attention to what she says about those perfect kids at 17.41.

The more I think about Amy Chua and her stalwart ways, the more I admire the guts she has to be so transparent in sharing her journey.  I suspect Grace is closer to her than many of us would assume.  (Isn’t Grace always standing close by, waiting to help?)

I love Brene’s final comments.  Our job as parents isn’t to have “perfect” kids.  Our job is to say “You’re imperfect.  But you’re worthy of love and belonging.”

Can you imagine a generation of kids being raised this way?

 

Lullaby of the Sloth Mom

My kids have been allowed to:

  • Have sleepovers
  • Have been in performances
  • Keep so-so grades (when they’ve received them)
  • Eat junk food
  • Pick up an instrument to learn on a whim and quit if they didn’t like it.
  • Have a messy room

I’m a Sloth Mom.  A complete loser.

Don’t tell anyone but my kids have also been now to belch and pass gas too.  And oh, (I’m so ashamed,) I’ve laughed along with them on the particularly cacophonous ones.

I’ve howled when they played with flour pretending it was “pixie” dust and find their random jokes and cartoon hilarious. I love learning and laughing with them on this adventure called life.  (Okay, there’s times I wanna sell the little darlin’s to the gypsies but I digress.)

I find grades irrelevant and am more concerned that I see good effort than a “first place” finish in any activity.

Yep.  Measured against Amy Chua’s philosophy,  (she is the author of  “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,”) I would classify my parenting approach as “Lullaby of the Sloth Mom.”

Sure, I’m far from a perfect parent.  But the longer I do this parenting thing, the more I abhor the use of shame and comparision in any relationship….especially relationship with my kids.

Lullaby of the Sloth Mom.  Hmmmm. Catchy isn’t it?  Wonder if Doubleday would be interested in offering me a book deal.

PS  I’m really, REALLY glad Ms. Chua doesn’t have any special needs’ kids.

What’s coming up

Happy New Year!  I love new years.  There’s something about a fresh start that invigorates me.  Yes, every day brings opportunity to “begin again more intelligently” as Edison once said.   (His comment was in reference to failure but hey, it fits here too.)

Here’s a few of the topics I’ll be writing on in the days/weeks/months ahead.

Homeschooling- This is an old standby for me but I’m aware of all the younger parents coming up who have no idea where to begin.

Free Range Education- I especially want to talk to parents of kids with ADD/ADHD who are struggling in school, be it home, public or private school.

The value of mentorships and apprenticeships. This has become a staple in our home in educating our 16-year-old.

The college racket.  Yeah, I know.  I’m going to draw some fire here.  BS is an appropriate abbreviation for many degrees.

My Wired Style.  This is SUCH a valuable tool.  The key to education is to first understand ones self.

Parenting.  Nope, I’m not an expert but I have been at this for a while now.  ;)

ADD/ADHD. Welcome to my world.  Medication optional.

And speaking of ADD/ADHD- Use of marijuana in treating ADD/ADHD.

Hope you come along for the ride- It’s going to be fun!  And please….if you know someone who may benefit from reading my blog- I’d be honored if you’d pass it along.

In the meanwhile, if there’s a topic you’d like to discuss or a particular topic to cover, shoot me an email or leave a comment here.  I’d love to hear from you.

Children from the Island of the Misfit Toys

Does your child not “fit in?” My first response to such a situation is, “BRAVO! Your child doesn’t fit in!”
But I know that in our conformity driven culture, this is not a celebrated trait. Rather, not fitting in is a source of much angst and shame.  It’s sort of like your child is from the Island of the Misfit Toys.

And if you have a child with ADD/ADHD this issue can be more painful. These kids in particular don’t fit into any box very well and the task of “making” them comply (often by medicating them) may look good on the outside. But the message has been conveyed all too well: You are a failure. You don’t fit in. Now…go take your meds.

What should you do?

Embrace your liberty fer-crying-out-loud! Ditch the box. Let them dance. Play chef in the kitchen. Study rocketry at the age of ten. Pursue some outrageous idea.

Yes, it this will cause them to take the road less traveled. And they may not fit it very well. But this does not mean their destiny is on an isolated island with other “misfits.”

You really have no idea what exciting future will unfold for your child.

 

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman

5 ways of dealing with pushback

Seth Godin refers to it as the “Lizard brain.”  It’s that primitive, fear-driven little voice that tells you to sit down, shut up and color in the lines.  It keeps you from doing great things and following your dreams.  It keeps you from innovating, dreaming and ultimately…it robs the world of the Artist That Never Was.

When you’re a Free Range Educator, there’s an external lizard brain.  And what it has to say is beyond your control because it’s usually expressed through the concerns of a loved one.  A well meaning loved one.

“But what are you doing?”  “What about science?”  “He’ll never learn anything!”  “Is he up to GRADE LEVEL?”

I regularly receive emails from readers asking about how to deal with criticism.   These emails remind me that according to convention, Free Range Ed is pretty out there.  (If you haven’t met this resistance, just casually mention your conviction that grades are an irrelevant metric to a group of academics.)

So what do you do when your mother-in-law, friend, (fill in the blank,) is expressing their disapproval at your unorthodox methods?

First, recognize they’re not the bad guy.  They are genuinely concerned.  (And if they’re not- why are you listening to them in the first place?)

Understand that people fear what they don’t understand.  The methodology of how we’ve done “school” for the past 150 years has gone largely unchallenged.  (And is only being challenged now because the changes in the marketplace are demanding it.)

Accept the fact that you’re not likely to change their minds.  Sure, you can point them to mounting evidence from credible resources on how desperately broken our educational models are.  But human nature is what it is.

Network with like-minded people.  I especially draw strength and encouragement from folks who have raised successful children.  This stuff really does work.

Never quit learning yourself.  Read Seth Godin, Sir Ken Robinson, Daniel Pink to name just a few.  Drink deeply and be encouraged!

Taking the road less traveled does get lonely and frightening at times.  When you face opposition, take a breather, tuck your head down and move forward.  “Damn the torpedoes…go ahead!  Full speed!” Admiral David Glasgow Farragut who, btw, was a recognized hero in the Navy by the age of 12.)

Your kids will thank you.  And maybe…just maybe, so will the world.

 

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