“I’ll just be over here making sure my fillings are intact,” I said to Molly as she disappeared into the sea of chrome racks and fluorescent lights. Then I yelled out my second most frequently used “mom” admonitions, (first place goes to “Brush your teeth!”) “And for crying-out-loud…Look at the clearance racks FIRST!”
I saw Molly twitch, toss her glorious red mane and disappear behind a display of sequined fuchsia shirts that looked like they’d been run through a paper shredder. (CLEARANCE $29.99 and up)
But back to my fillings. I was assured that the blaring techno music hadn’t dislodged any dental work so I drew a deep breath and accepted my lot in life for the next bit of time: Clothes shopping for school.
Not being one to ignore my own advice, I found another clearance rack that looked a little more promising. ($2.99 and up) I sighed as I picked through the butt crack pants and horizontally stripped sweaters (PEOPLE! Please…we want VERTICAL stripes!)
And then she appeared out of nowhere. She was short, fat and wearing those Easy Tone shoes that promise to “Blast Cellulite! Tone Your Butt! Regulate Your Bowels!” Pure fluff, I thought.
What made me shudder though was the determined look in her eye. I was on one end of the clothes rack and she was on the other. And she was closing in quickly. With each beat of the maniacal music she slid a hanger down the rack for her inspection. The scrape of the hanger on the rack made a chilling sound.
Estimated time ‘til impact: 13 seconds.
I dashed away just in time for Easy Tone to finish her assault.
Molly appeared with some non shredded articles of clothing to try on so we headed back to the fitting rooms.
Uh-oh. Easy Tone was marching off to war, a huge pile of clothes hanging over her arm. And she was heading for the fitting room. I mentally dared the petite clerk to challenge her on a clothes limit. The song, “These Boots Were Made for Walking” began playing in my mind.
There was a stoop shouldered man holding a purse lingering in her trail. “Stay right there,” she barked. He complied.
And I once again contemplated how anyone writer can ever suffer from “writer’s block” when there is such a circus taking place all around us.
As we were leaving the store, empty handed, I stopped at an advertisement poster for Easy Tone shoes, reread their ad copy. As a general rule of thumb, I avoid things that offer “Dynamic Rocker Bottom Technology!”
Then I counted my fillings again. And we left.