• Got ADHD?

    theresa


    Theresa Lode or, simply “T”, had her world turned upside down and inside out when her son was diagnosed with ADHD and a few other goodies. Her choice- follow the doctor's orders....or trust her heart and delve into the world of Free Range Education. She chose the latter...

    Curious? Want to know more? Read on ...
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Medication or meditation for ADHD?

This is a good place to start if you’re curious about mindfulness training.

Nearly 10% of all school aged children are being diagnosed with ADHD.  Throw in the likelihood that mom and/or dad have ADD or ADHD and whoa!  That’s a lot of squirrelly brains running around.

I first started reading about mindfulness  for help in dealing with my own anxiety tendencies and I can say – it has been very effective.  (I can get through Wally World without feeling like freaking out by the produce department now…but that’s another topic.)

Here’s an article about a mindfulness school that teaches their program to kids and teachers.  It has proven to be effective in improving the classroom environment.

For kids with ADHD- here’s an interesting sound bite that was included in today’s newsletter from Attention Research Update.

** Mindfulness Training for Children with ADHD and their Parents **
*****************************************************************************************************************************

Mindfulness training is an approach for enhancing mental health and alleviating mental health difficulties that is based on eastern medication techniques. The focus of mindfulness training is to increase one’s awareness of the present moment, enhance the non-judgmental observation of one’s surroundings, and decrease impulsive and automatic responding to events. Research on mindfulness training with adults has shown benefits for depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and eating difficulties. Preliminary research on mindfulness training with children and adolescents has also yielded positive findings, including several non-controlled pilot studies of youth with ADHD.

A study published recently in the Journal of Child and Family Studies provides a more extensive examination of the possible benefits of mindfulness training for children with ADHD and their parents [S. van der Ord & S. M. Bodgel (2012). The effectiveness of mindfulness training for children with ADHD and mindful parenting for their parents. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 21, 139-147]. Participants were 22 8-12 year old children diagnosed with ADHD and their parents. The study was conducted at an outpatient mental health clinic in the Netherlands.

Children and parents were randomly assigned to receive mindfulness training or to a wait-list control condition; the majority of children were already receiving treatment with stimulant medication and remained on medication during the study. Mindfulness training consisted of 8 weekly 90 minute group sessions – the child group included 4-6 children and the parent group included the parents of these children. Children and parents were given structured assignments to complete between the sessions that focused on practicing the skills they had learning in each group meeting.

One friend has been using mindfulness techniques for over eight years and she reports:

“We have learned to slow down, be quiet, give processing time, scaffold the thinking process understanding where the child is developmentally is important so you are working within his zone of proximal development,” Penny, mom to a child on the spectrum.

I wish I had learned of this when my ADHDer was little- it would have been very helpful.

I think it’s clear that we can all benefit from taking a deep breath and learning mindfulness!

Is “I hate school” training for “I hate my job?”

Do you know someone who hates their job?   You probably do.  I spoke with one over the weekend.  My young friend, a college graduate, hates her job.  At 25, she feels trapped and overwhelmed.  But yet she trudges off to her job to earn her very modest income because she has student loan debt.  Her dreams will have to be put on hold.  That is, if she can keep them alive. She comes home from her job each day so exhausted, she has no energy to look for other opportunities.  Or to create one for that matter.

Yes, these are difficult times in the job market.  And many would commend her for sticking it out.

I’m not one of them.

I encouraged her to run for her life.  Literally.

I meet too many people who started out like my young friend, 20-some years ago and today they are passed even feeling trapped.  They’re shut down inside and can’t figure out why they’re so unhappy with their lives.  They molder at jobs they despise and bosses they barely tolerate.

We are so trained in our culture to “do the responsible thing,” yes, even if it means a stress-related illness.  “Be thankful you have a job,” we tell people.  Hey- I get that.  We were unemployed for six months last year!

But there’s something seriously wrong with this picture.  Especially when we no longer question the insanity of this all-too-accepted reality.

This isn’t an easy road to follow.  Mother Superior from The Sound of Music isn’t going to appear and serenade you with her soul-stirring rendition of “Climb Every Mountain.”  It takes intentionality and a lot of work.

Like the frog in the pot of hot water, people are trained to grow accustomed to their misery.

I believe the training starts in school.

Finding the right tool

Would use a hoe to perfatape a wall? Or an awl to dig a hole?

As I write this, I am listening to a flooring guy scrape the subfloor of our kitchen in preparation to lay new vinyl.  We tried to get as much done as we could in advance to keep our costs down but I’m left to wonder if we really did save money.

The time, the frustration and the apparent futility of our work…even with a rented tool was not nearly as fruitful as what I’m hearing this guy accomplish…because he has the right tools.

As we get older, we realize with increasing frequency, that it pays to have someone else service our vehicles, install flooring or attend to household repairs.  Not because we’re incapable…Jay is quite handy as is Daniel.  Heck, I’m fairly capable in some areas too.

But when we set out to do something, the learning curve is a lot higher and it may take us hours to do what an expert can accomplish in one.  And then there’s that tool thing too.  (We finally figured that by the time we rented this one gizmo to install the underlayment on the kitchen floor, it really WAS cheaper to hire someone.)

Which brings me to kids and how we educate them.  School is the most widely used and recognized tool when it comes to education.  This is the tool that will open doors to bright and successful future, we are told.

But for many kids…it is the wrong tool.  And we wonder why kids are unmotivated and disillusioned with school.  We wonder why they’re dropping out. And we lament over sky rocketing rates of ADD/ADHD and historic numbers of kids on chemical leashes.

Do you remember the last time you worked at a job with the wrong tool?  (Don’t tell anyone but the language around here can get a bit salty when we don’t have the right tool.)

It’s time to rethink this school thing from a different angle.

Insisting that all children work with the “school tool” is both arrogant and ignorant.  To proclaim some children” learning disabled” and allow them to become stigmatized because they need a different set of tools is bodacious.

Every child has brilliance in them.  Every child is uniquely gifted.  The key is finding the right tool(s) to unlock and unleash their gifts to the world.  For some children, this may mean mentoring with a small business owner.  Or apprenticing with a craftsman.  Learning from an artist.

When you rethink the concept of school and education and realize how limiting a one tool approach is, endless and glorious possibilities appear.

3 Ways to motivate your unmotivated kid

“He just doesn’t want to do anything.” “Getting my kid to do anything beside computer games is like pulling teeth.” I deal with this sort of stuff PLENTY in my home.  Here are three approaches to consider when handling an unmotivated kid:

Tiger Mom approach. You’ve certainly heard about her by now.  This method commands absolute obedience…nothing less! Tools for this approach include: yelling, threats and a little ridicule thrown in if that Mother’s Day card doesn’t measure up.

Shortcomings with this approach?  You’ve got well trained monkeys but you’ve lost their heart.  Mom becomes a drill sergeant instead of a mom. And Mom, if she doesn’t already have control-freak tendencies, will certainly foster this trait in a strong way.  (Bonus points if mom develops an anxiety disorder.)

Competition. Homeschool mom’s are especially good at this one.  Be sure and remind your kids of how other kids are faring.  Dangle rewards for achievements.  Shame comes in handy for this one if the kid doesn’t measure up.

This one may produce short term effects but what happens when they still have no internal motivation.? You take away the reward…they lose their motivation.

True, life DOES offer rewards and sometimes accomplishment is its own reward.  But remember…Kids are kids and they don’t have the perspective you and I have as adults. On the other hand, when was the last time YOU were rewarded for cleaning house and preparing a meal?  Yeah…more often than not, life isn’t waiting to offer you a gold star.

Is there a better way?

Here’s my favorite one:

An invitation. I like to think of this as simply getting out of the way.  Give your child a platform.  Give them an opportunity to rise to the top.  Instead of trying to manipulate their behavior…cast a vision before them.

For example, Molly’s piano practice has slacked off considerably.  A Tiger Mom I am not…I got other hills on which to die.  But she heard of a Teen Open Mic night at a local business.  And 3 hour practice sessions were soon happening.  (And she performed beautifully.)

Okay, I hear all that opposition yelling.  No, I haven’t been smoking dope (even though it IS legal here in Montana.)

Your kid is not going to wake up overnight with a new vision for self government.  ESPECIALLY if they’re used to being told what to do all the time in school.  Go ahead…do something radical…give them TIME.  Time to sort out what makes them come alive.  Time to develop some creative ideas and concoct a wild plan to bike across the state.  Time to dream! (Pssst- It’s helpful to have an “electronics-free” week once in a while.)

I love this approach because it embraces one of my favorite education quotes: Education is not the filling of a bucket but the lighting of a fire. Keats

Q: What approaches have you tried in your home?

A day in the the school of the future

I often say we don’t need educational reform…we need the whole shebang razed.   But how do we equip our kids educationally for the times we live in?  I believe this guy has some very important answers.  I love what he’s doing!  And did I mention this is F-R-E-E?

The best sentence to diffuse a power struggle

Got teenagers?   We have three running around our house now.  When I say that, most parents will respond with sympathy or fear as they mutter,  “uh-oh.”

We love having teens.  I love watching them grow into young adults and begin stretching their wings.

But that also means we have conflict too.  Okay…that part I don’t like much.  Which is why I found myself thinking about this gem of a sentence.  I’ve even practiced it so I have it ready when it’s needed.

Ready? It goes something like this.  Johnny is telling you he know longer wishes to do his daily responsibilities.  A burst of anger flashes through your mind as you recall the amount of work you do on a daily basis for the Little Ingrate. Gawd, my back hurts just thinking about it. You wonder if there’s a black market for teenagers.   Contemplate dropping the kid off a boot camp.  This flies through your mind quicker than that Who died question when the phone rings at 2AM..  (Okay, maybe it’s just MY mind.)

But thankfully, instead of engaging in a power play,  you’ve got this gem of a sentence up your sleeve.  Here ’tis:

I love you too much to argue with you. Or it could be: I respect you too much to argue with you.

And then you walk away.  (And a hearty thank you for Love and Logic for their great support!)

Have you ever won a power struggle when tempers are flaring?  Go, cool down, pull yourself together and deal with junior later.

This is something I’m working on right now and I gotta tell you…it IS effective.

PS  If you’re too pissed to utter that long sentence, a simple “Oh,” is always good…provided you walk away from the melt down site and address things when you’re in control of your temper. 

 

Raising perfect kids

Have you found yourself mulling over your parenting ways in light of the dialog over Amy Chua’s article and book?

I know many have; I’ve heard from some of them.  We parents are our own harshest critics.  I’m too lenient.  I should have made my kid stick with piano.  I let them play video games too much. (This one frequently echoes in my head.)

It’s good to regularly examine one’s ways and adjust when necessary.  I’m also a firm believer in giving oneself plenty of mercy and grace too.  We are imperfect parents raising imperfect kids.

The biggest problem dogging our heels, IMHO, is that SHAME and FEAR is the driving force of the many things we do as parents.

I was shouting “YES!” when I watched this TED talk.  In it, Brene Brown discusses the power of vulnerability.  Pay special attention to what she says about those perfect kids at 17.41.

The more I think about Amy Chua and her stalwart ways, the more I admire the guts she has to be so transparent in sharing her journey.  I suspect Grace is closer to her than many of us would assume.  (Isn’t Grace always standing close by, waiting to help?)

I love Brene’s final comments.  Our job as parents isn’t to have “perfect” kids.  Our job is to say “You’re imperfect.  But you’re worthy of love and belonging.”

Can you imagine a generation of kids being raised this way?

 

Lullaby of the Sloth Mom

My kids have been allowed to:

  • Have sleepovers
  • Have been in performances
  • Keep so-so grades (when they’ve received them)
  • Eat junk food
  • Pick up an instrument to learn on a whim and quit if they didn’t like it.
  • Have a messy room

I’m a Sloth Mom.  A complete loser.

Don’t tell anyone but my kids have also been now to belch and pass gas too.  And oh, (I’m so ashamed,) I’ve laughed along with them on the particularly cacophonous ones.

I’ve howled when they played with flour pretending it was “pixie” dust and find their random jokes and cartoon hilarious. I love learning and laughing with them on this adventure called life.  (Okay, there’s times I wanna sell the little darlin’s to the gypsies but I digress.)

I find grades irrelevant and am more concerned that I see good effort than a “first place” finish in any activity.

Yep.  Measured against Amy Chua’s philosophy,  (she is the author of  “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,”) I would classify my parenting approach as “Lullaby of the Sloth Mom.”

Sure, I’m far from a perfect parent.  But the longer I do this parenting thing, the more I abhor the use of shame and comparision in any relationship….especially relationship with my kids.

Lullaby of the Sloth Mom.  Hmmmm. Catchy isn’t it?  Wonder if Doubleday would be interested in offering me a book deal.

PS  I’m really, REALLY glad Ms. Chua doesn’t have any special needs’ kids.

What’s coming up

Happy New Year!  I love new years.  There’s something about a fresh start that invigorates me.  Yes, every day brings opportunity to “begin again more intelligently” as Edison once said.   (His comment was in reference to failure but hey, it fits here too.)

Here’s a few of the topics I’ll be writing on in the days/weeks/months ahead.

Homeschooling- This is an old standby for me but I’m aware of all the younger parents coming up who have no idea where to begin.

Free Range Education- I especially want to talk to parents of kids with ADD/ADHD who are struggling in school, be it home, public or private school.

The value of mentorships and apprenticeships. This has become a staple in our home in educating our 16-year-old.

The college racket.  Yeah, I know.  I’m going to draw some fire here.  BS is an appropriate abbreviation for many degrees.

My Wired Style.  This is SUCH a valuable tool.  The key to education is to first understand ones self.

Parenting.  Nope, I’m not an expert but I have been at this for a while now.  ;)

ADD/ADHD. Welcome to my world.  Medication optional.

And speaking of ADD/ADHD- Use of marijuana in treating ADD/ADHD.

Hope you come along for the ride- It’s going to be fun!  And please….if you know someone who may benefit from reading my blog- I’d be honored if you’d pass it along.

In the meanwhile, if there’s a topic you’d like to discuss or a particular topic to cover, shoot me an email or leave a comment here.  I’d love to hear from you.

Have you fed your amygdala today?

Your what? you say.  The amygdala is the part of your brain that registers fear.  Without it, we’d end up like this woman who lost all sense of fear after a brain injury.

I like what Seth Godin calls the amygdala- the Lizard Brain.  It operates on a primitive level and keeps us from harm, certainly. That’s good.   But it also keeps us bound up and unwilling to change. That’s not good.

Without risk, there is no advancement.  No changes.  No new discoveries.  No deep relationships.  The list is endless.

And as though the amygdala needs any help feeding a steady diet of negativity and fear to control our behavior, there is an abundance of outside voices that will help it as well.  (Remember the black crab story that Kiosaki tells?)

Every time I read a fear-laden email forward about how my mattress is poisoning in my sleep (due to chemicals breaking down,) to a new trend for axe-murderers to pose as kindly grandmas or a news story about how the democrats/republicans are going to….(fill in the blank), I am feeding my amygdala.

One only need look at the preposterous and bodacious actions of the TSA to see how this plays out.

Yes, there are dangers afoot and we need to live intelligently.

But that is pert near impossible if one is too preoccupied (and might I add, pissed off, as that is frequently a fruit of fear,) feeding their amygdala.

Life is a gift…a blessing.  And it’s too short to spend it living in fear.

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