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    theresa


    Theresa Lode or, simply “T”, had her world turned upside down and inside out when her son was diagnosed with ADHD and a few other goodies. Her choice- follow the doctor's orders....or trust her heart and delve into the world of Free Range Education. She chose the latter...

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Did The System help kill my brother?

It’s been about a year and half since my brother, Dan, died.  Despite valiant efforts, we watched helplessly over a two day period as his life went from “business as usual” to a difficult decision to remove life support.  He died here in Helena, before we moved back and I find myself driving through town trying to picture my older brother walking down the street.  It still chokes me up to drive by his apartment.  He was 46 and too young to die.

But yet we weren’t surprised.  Dan’s life was a hard one: chemical addictions and long periods of homelessness. By the time they realized he was in acute liver failure, it was too late.  I still mourn his passing and I also mourn a life of what could have been.

My sisters and I have talked more than once about the “What if’s” and the contributing factors to Dan’s rough road in life.  (Yes, we understand that a person has the power of choice and are not pointing the finger at anyone.)

Dan was diagnosed at a young age as “hyperkinetic” (that’s ADHD in the modern parlance) and dyslexic.  Dan was whisked off to a facility with the mentally and emotionally ill where he was put on Ritalin and I’m sure…stigmatized.

By the time we moved across the state years later, we were all enrolled in the public school.  Having been in a private Catholic school, it was quite a shock for all of us.  It was a mean culture and a rough transition as we were the “outsiders” in this small town.

It was an especially cruel time for Dan though.  The ridicule and the depth of his academic struggles were staggering.  After 6th grade, I don’t even think he attended school at all.  He began experimenting with drugs about then.  Mom suspected he was self medicating his ADHD since he was no longer on Ritalin.  And looking back now….it was the beginning of the end.

Sure there were some other factors in Dan’s “issues.”  But I look back and see a catastrophic failure of The System as playing a role in his demise.  The One-Size-Fits-A-Few educational models that categorized Dan and his differences as deficient played a role.  He was weighed in the balance and found wanting.  That’s a shit-load of a trip for a 12-year-old.

Despite his labels, Dan was brilliant boy.  He would wire anything, work on a car and had an ear for music.  He was a whiz at electronics.  He was hyper and happy.  Boy, was he hyper!

I wonder if Dan’s life would have played out differently if he was told he was a smart boy. And given the opportunity to cultivate his strengths.  Less time remediating stuff he would never be good at (though I noticed his handwriting DID improve with age,) and more time learning a trade that would have given him a livelihood.

I am deeply, deeply concerned over the rising rates of ADHD diagnoses and the corresponding amount of kids on medication.  I am troubled by the “Dan’s” that are right now annoying their teachers in the classroom and receiving the message that they’re defective.

Charter schools are far from a perfect fix but it can be the needed first bite into the elephant, as it were.  What if there was a school that could accommodate the kids with learning differences?

Yes, I see that hand in the back of the class.  The local school’s supposed to do that.  Uh-huh.  Let’s talk about that with the teacher who’s got 26 kids, four of whom need uber extra help, in her class and is under the gun to make sure her class scores on the latest standardized tests are up to par.  (God help our poor teachers, heroes they are.)

But charters aren’t just a good idea for kids with special needs or learning differences.  There are also charter schools for kids with technical bents and schools that emphasize the arts.

The powers that be in Montana think the key is to increase the compulsory age to 18 to keep kids from dropping out.  I think we need to make school more relevant for these kids and the drop-out rates will take care of itself.  And I believe charter schools can help with the need for relevance.

It is incumbent upon parents and educators to realize that it’s time…way past time…to address our education crisis. There are too many Dan’s out there. But there are also dancers and dreamers who are disengaged…and the world needs their gifts too.

If you’ve stuck with me this far in this way lengthy epistle, I thank you.  And if you agree that it’s time to bring more options to the table for parents and their kids, please come show your support on Wednesday at 3PM for HB 603.

Finding the right tool

Would use a hoe to perfatape a wall? Or an awl to dig a hole?

As I write this, I am listening to a flooring guy scrape the subfloor of our kitchen in preparation to lay new vinyl.  We tried to get as much done as we could in advance to keep our costs down but I’m left to wonder if we really did save money.

The time, the frustration and the apparent futility of our work…even with a rented tool was not nearly as fruitful as what I’m hearing this guy accomplish…because he has the right tools.

As we get older, we realize with increasing frequency, that it pays to have someone else service our vehicles, install flooring or attend to household repairs.  Not because we’re incapable…Jay is quite handy as is Daniel.  Heck, I’m fairly capable in some areas too.

But when we set out to do something, the learning curve is a lot higher and it may take us hours to do what an expert can accomplish in one.  And then there’s that tool thing too.  (We finally figured that by the time we rented this one gizmo to install the underlayment on the kitchen floor, it really WAS cheaper to hire someone.)

Which brings me to kids and how we educate them.  School is the most widely used and recognized tool when it comes to education.  This is the tool that will open doors to bright and successful future, we are told.

But for many kids…it is the wrong tool.  And we wonder why kids are unmotivated and disillusioned with school.  We wonder why they’re dropping out. And we lament over sky rocketing rates of ADD/ADHD and historic numbers of kids on chemical leashes.

Do you remember the last time you worked at a job with the wrong tool?  (Don’t tell anyone but the language around here can get a bit salty when we don’t have the right tool.)

It’s time to rethink this school thing from a different angle.

Insisting that all children work with the “school tool” is both arrogant and ignorant.  To proclaim some children” learning disabled” and allow them to become stigmatized because they need a different set of tools is bodacious.

Every child has brilliance in them.  Every child is uniquely gifted.  The key is finding the right tool(s) to unlock and unleash their gifts to the world.  For some children, this may mean mentoring with a small business owner.  Or apprenticing with a craftsman.  Learning from an artist.

When you rethink the concept of school and education and realize how limiting a one tool approach is, endless and glorious possibilities appear.

Perhaps SCHOOL is the problem

Our schools are not working.  The drop out rate in Montana alone is 16%. (Here in Helena it’s around 20%)  For American Indians, only 63% will graduate.

Some say we need to throw more money at the problem.  (As it IS a real problem; we are talking about young people with no sense of who they are, no marketable skills or a diploma.  (I could debate the true value of a diploma but the bottom line is that most employers want to see one.)

One mom, desperate to see her son’s low GPA increased, resorted to having him hang out on a street corner announcing his apparent failure to the world.  (That poor kid.  Read about it here.)

I think the problem is more fundamental than a money or humiliation fix can address.  Maybe…just maybe…SCHOOL is the problem.

People far smarter than I have given this great thought.  Consider this jewel by Ivan Illich:

Many students, especially those who are poor, intuitively know what the schools do for them. They school them to confuse process and substance. Once these become blurred, a new logic is assumed: the more treatment there is, the better are the results; or, escalation leads to success. The pupil is thereby “schooled” to confuse teaching with learning, grade advancement with education, a diploma with competence, and fluency with the ability to say something new. His imagination is “schooled” to accept service in place of value. Medical treatment is mistaken for health care, social work for the improvement of community life, police protection for safety, military poise for national security, the rat race for productive work. Health, learning, dignity, independence, and creative endeavour are defined as little more than the performance of the institutions which claim to serve these ends, and their improvement is made to depend on allocating more resources to the management of hospitals, schools, and other agencies in question. Ivan Illich Deschooling Society (1973: 9)

How to have a nervous breakdown homeschooling

Need a little drama in your life? Is it about flippin’ time you got some care and attention?

Never fear!  I’ve compiled a short list of how you, yes…you, can finally get some peace and quiet, by having a nervous breakdown!  This list is especially for homeschool mamas but I’m sure there’s broader application.

Prozac and shock therapy here we come!  (Results may vary.  Please consult your mental health care provider before beginning any new nervous breakdown plan.)

1.    Be rigid!  Get some discipline in your life and make sure you strictly adhere to a schedule.  For maximum speed toward your nervous breakdown, I suggest insisting the children are sitting in their desks (they do have desks, right?) promptly at 8:00.

2.    While we’re talking rigidity, I suggest using a day-by-day curriculum plan.  Hey, the public schools are moving towards this…why not you?  How on earth can you keep up with what they’re doing?

3.    Frequently mutter the words, “We’re so behind.”  Chances are you will be anyway following #2.  Be sure to let the kids know.  They’ll know anyway but one can never be too sure.

4.    Compare yourself with other mamas and their progeny.  Their kid’s playing a concerto and your kid’s taking Concerta.  Spend time meditating on this. Are you twitching yet?

5.    Don’t…oh PUH-PLEEZE, DON’T exercise or have any time to yourself.  This is a short season in your life and the opportunity to pour yourself out to your kids is fleeting.  Shelve your interests and hobbies too.

6.    Neglect your marriage.  Don’t you feel better being released from that?  You and I both know it’s impossible to keep that weekly date night with your busy schedule anyway.

7.    Ensure that everything you cook is made from scratch.  Shun Doritos and run from the appearance of white flour.  Because you’re running a tight ship now, you’ll have the extra five hours a day to meet this standard.

And there’s more too!  (I’m sure you can think of a few.)  But you’ve been on the computer waaaaay too long already so I’ll end here.

Now- Go crack that whip!

Please drop me a note and let me know how you’re progressing.  The Homeschool Mama’s Ward is waiting!

Guidelines for homeschooling your ADHD’er-2

Ready for some more guidelines on homeschooling your ADHD’er?  Here we go!

Recognize the different types of intelligence. According to an education PhD I visited with, MOST kids are NOT academic. Perhaps your kid’s a natural people person.  Or kids who are nurturing.  (One of my best friends is very nurturing; I especially appreciate her friendship when I’m hurting.)  Here’s a link to an interesting article on multiple intelligences.

Throw out your ruler. Yeah, that thing with which you’re measuring your kid’s performance.  ESPECIALLY if you’re child has special needs or learning differences.  The momentum with which Standardized testing mania is spreading (thanks to No Child Left Behind,) is NOT a metric to bring into your home.  What the schools are trying to quantify is a narrowly focused snapshot.  If you’re kid isn’t academically inclined please don’t use this to judge their smarts.

Allow them room to fidget. Since I’m mostly talking about ADHD here, please keep this in mind.  Insisting that your child “sit still” to learn something is probably shifting their entire focus from trying to learn what you want to learn…to focusing on sitting still. For these kids, sitting still while attending to a mental task is torture.  Is this a bad thing?  I don’t think so.  Some of the most brilliant entrepreneurs can’t sit still to save their lives.  And a desk job would kill them.

Allow plenty of opportunity for their creativity to grow. Quit focusing so much on their sloppy handwriting(Hello? Doctors?) and focus on cultivating their natural interests and bent.  Everyone will be happier.

Get out of the way! I’ve had many moms share with me their shameful secrets.  It usually goes something like this: I just let Johnny play with his electronics all day and we had the best day ever! Then their face will darken and they’ll add with deep regret, But we had to get our school work done. Ugh.  That never fails to pierce my heart.  A child’s play IS their school work.  Don’t underestimate the academic and creative power of play.

Enjoy the journey. I know you’re tired.  Know the kid is driving you crazy.   I know the road seems endless.  But…this is not the first time you’ve heard this…the years really do fly by.  (I can say that too knowing you’re out of reach from slapping me.  That’s precisely what I wanted to do when parents would tell me that.)

Parenting, homeschooling, life…it’s all a journey. And homeschooling them (or not) doesn’t conclude with a report card and a “You’re Arrived.”.  We journey with our kids for a season and then (hopefully) we send them off to…continue their journey.

And it’s all good!

 

My #1 tool for dealing with ADHD related stress

Got a kid with ADD/ADHD?  How about a spouse?  If you do, you understand there are some unique stresses in dealing with it in the home.

The other day, I received an email from another mom.  I could hear echoes of my struggles not so long ago.  “I’m overwhelmed,” she said.  “How can we improve how we’re handling things in the home?”

I started to reply with what I usually ask: What specifically are you trying to deal with? Impulsivity? Academic struggles?  Relationships? When a parent’s overwhelmed with their hyper-drive kid, it’s easy for all of the issues to meld into a huge, tangled….and hopeless looking, ball of yarn.  Trying to target one or two behaviors, I’ve found is a good starting point.

And then I stopped myself. “I’m overwhelmed,” she had said.  And judging from her use of words in the rest of the email, this was an understatement.

And I remembered the most important tool I’ve found for coping with ADD related stress.

I told her to go for a walk.  Buy a cup of coffee. (My personal favorite.)  Paint a picture. Call a friend. (A supportive, UPLIFTING one!)  Read a book.

My counselor friends call this “SELF CARE” in their native psycho-babble tongue. And I have found it to be the single most important tool I have to cope with ADD related stress.  I simply must.take.care.of.myself.

The idea is like how on an airplane the flight attendant will tell you to always put on your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else.

Moms who home school are especially neglectful when it comes to taking time to nurture their own souls.  Many of the women I know who home school a child with learning differences or special needs struggle with stress related health issues like fibromyalgia or migraines.

Let go of the spotless house.  One more day of allowing your kid to bounce off the walls isn’t going to kill him. And school?  I’m going to talk about how homeschooling your ADDer may not be such a good idea tomorrow.

There is nothing noble about wearing yourself down to a nub in the name of “taking care of your family.”

I shared this bit about self care to that mom.  She replied immediately.  Said she was crying because it was just what she needed to hear.  And she was going for walk.

The Tiger Mother vs. The Sloth Mother

Amy Chua’s book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” and article continues to make waves.  The article, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior outlines a few of the talking points of her rigid approach to parenting her two daughters.

Today, my good friend Dan Miller wrote a blog entitled How to Cripple Your Kids where he talks about how a Chinese university has set up accommodations for overly protective parents.

Dan’s article didn’t surprise me as I see this sort of behavior as a natural outcome of “Tiger” mothering..  When a parent is micromanaging every affair of a child while they grow up, how on earth can they gain independence?

My tongue-(only-slightly)-in-cheek post yesterday about being a Sloth Mother has had me thinking about these two very different approaches.

The law, Paul talks about in Galatians, is useful in guiding us towards grace.  It’s not an end in itself…it’s a means to an end. We use rules to guide but then we mature into grace where we are lead by our hearts.   I have found this to be very applicable to parenting.

When my kids were young there were absolutes.  I chose the bedtime.  I said “no” to some things and picked out their clothes. “Tough nuggies,” were heard more than once echoing in my home.

But as they grew, I shared control.  Or so I tried.

Now that I have teenagers, I understand that my parenting approach would fit tidily into the parameters of a “Love and Logic” approach.  Instead of saying, “Go to bed!” I allow them to chose their own bedtime  and allow the consequences of their late night to hit them in their tired head at 6:00 a.m the following morning.

Kids who learn the consequences for their behaviors and misbehaviors grow up to be powerful adults who understand the value of CHOICE.

My goal isn’t to have well trained monkeys but rather to raise strong individuals who understand who they are and are able to make healthy decisions.  (And how on earth will they learn how to make healthy decisions if we don’t allow them to make some lousy ones and suffer those consequences?)

I’m glad Ms. Chua’s kids seem to be turning out okay.  And yes, I think she truly loves her kids.  (Not that my opinion on the matter is worth a hoot.)

I’m more concerned about all the other moms out there that are declaring this woman a hero and having a born-again like epiphany to become a Tiger Mom themselves.

This parenting stuff is hard hard work.  We are unique individuals and we are raising unique individuals and every home needs a unique approach.  And that must always begin with “Know Thyself.”  NOT a new behavioral code to inflict upon your kids.

The second huge litmus test has got to be relationship.  I can’t think of anything more destructive to my relationship with my kids than to start wielding a dictatorship in the home.  Sure, I may have outward conformity (out of fear) but I’ll likely lose their hearts in the process.

Nah.  The Battle Hymn book is not one you’ll find on my bookshelf anytime soon.  That article was more than enough for me.

 

Lullaby of the Sloth Mom

My kids have been allowed to:

  • Have sleepovers
  • Have been in performances
  • Keep so-so grades (when they’ve received them)
  • Eat junk food
  • Pick up an instrument to learn on a whim and quit if they didn’t like it.
  • Have a messy room

I’m a Sloth Mom.  A complete loser.

Don’t tell anyone but my kids have also been now to belch and pass gas too.  And oh, (I’m so ashamed,) I’ve laughed along with them on the particularly cacophonous ones.

I’ve howled when they played with flour pretending it was “pixie” dust and find their random jokes and cartoon hilarious. I love learning and laughing with them on this adventure called life.  (Okay, there’s times I wanna sell the little darlin’s to the gypsies but I digress.)

I find grades irrelevant and am more concerned that I see good effort than a “first place” finish in any activity.

Yep.  Measured against Amy Chua’s philosophy,  (she is the author of  “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,”) I would classify my parenting approach as “Lullaby of the Sloth Mom.”

Sure, I’m far from a perfect parent.  But the longer I do this parenting thing, the more I abhor the use of shame and comparision in any relationship….especially relationship with my kids.

Lullaby of the Sloth Mom.  Hmmmm. Catchy isn’t it?  Wonder if Doubleday would be interested in offering me a book deal.

PS  I’m really, REALLY glad Ms. Chua doesn’t have any special needs’ kids.

Children from the Island of the Misfit Toys

Does your child not “fit in?” My first response to such a situation is, “BRAVO! Your child doesn’t fit in!”
But I know that in our conformity driven culture, this is not a celebrated trait. Rather, not fitting in is a source of much angst and shame.  It’s sort of like your child is from the Island of the Misfit Toys.

And if you have a child with ADD/ADHD this issue can be more painful. These kids in particular don’t fit into any box very well and the task of “making” them comply (often by medicating them) may look good on the outside. But the message has been conveyed all too well: You are a failure. You don’t fit in. Now…go take your meds.

What should you do?

Embrace your liberty fer-crying-out-loud! Ditch the box. Let them dance. Play chef in the kitchen. Study rocketry at the age of ten. Pursue some outrageous idea.

Yes, it this will cause them to take the road less traveled. And they may not fit it very well. But this does not mean their destiny is on an isolated island with other “misfits.”

You really have no idea what exciting future will unfold for your child.

 

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman

Non academic kids are dumb

This is the message spoken to thousands of school kids every day:

Study hard….get good grades…do as your told…color in the lines….comply, comply, comply.  And of course the prime directive: FIT IN. For God’s sake…FIT IN!!!

What about the child who works with their hands?  What about the kid who freezes up when it comes to taking a test but invents and fabricates model rockets in his spare time?  Or what about a kid who has a dream of becoming a chef? (True story:  I was visiting with a mom the other day who was distressed over her child’s desire to become a chef.  “He should study mechanics,” she said with a sigh.  We talked about that.)  Or the hyperactive girl who thinks math is dumb and is a gifted ballerina?

If we judge these kids against a classroom measure the tacit message conveyed is:  You are dumb. (And rising numbers of them will be drugged to help their “deficits.”)

Every child is a genius in their own unique way.  Some excel in the classroom but there are far more who don’t.  From a severely disabled non verbal child who can light up a room with a smile, to the math nerd. All bring unique gifts into the world.

Sadly, our educational models only validate the academically strong.  Education and genius come in many different shapes and sizes.  And given the changes in the workplace models,  this is more important than ever that we recognize this.

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