The nurse will see you now
Every so often, I receive an email from a mom asking me about ADHD and her issues with a child. Lately though, it would seem that there is a perception out there that I know a little about health issues too. I shouldn’t be surprised because, after all, I am a Licensed Practical Nurse. (LPN)
This is opposed to what I was last year which was an Unlicensed Practical Nurse. (UPN) After passing the rigorous standards to regain my license (I mailed a check for two hundred bucks to the state,) I have been reinstated and can now legally use the title “LPN.” And hence I am qualified to dispense medical advice.
Now about the Swine Flu. Here’s a question from a concerned reader:
Dear Mother Lode, The media reports are really scaring me. It says half of us might die over the next year from the Swine Flu (H1N1). Should I build a bunker, lay up a good supply of surgical masks and wait for it to pass? Signed, Scared
Dear Scared,
I’m so glad you took the time out of your busy day to email me. First, I find the name “H1N1″ a little cumbersome to use. How about if we just call it the Hun-None flu. Isn’t that clever? I took H-One, N-One, and combined them. I just love the versatility of the English language….
Okay back to your question. Should you build a bunker? Well, that depends on your resources. Are we talking a simple shelter in the boonies or are we talking concrete reinforced bunker surrounded by razor wire, guard towers and German Dober-Weilers?
I personally am rather fond of the “shelter in the boonies” idea and find the idea quite relaxing. Now, I have some Republican friends who are leaning more towards the latter idea. But since we’re talking about the Hun-None flu, I’ll point out that razor wire and guard towers are completely ineffective when it comes to quelling a determined virus. And besides, those dogs would scare me.
Now regarding the surgical mask. I’ll defer to my friend West Connor who just so happens to be a real doctor. Rough paraphrase but he said something like:
” You’ve got to be kidding. You bunch of goobers! Those masks have enough space in them for virus to fly through sidewise without touching sides!” (Thank you, Dr. Connor.)
Unless of course, you could sport a mask if you’re looking to make a fashion statement. Sort of like those “Green” shopping bags announce to the world that you’re concerned, responsible person and are doing your part to save Terra Firma. Nothing says “CAREFUL!” and “I’m taking care of my health, how about YOU?” like a surgical mask proudly worn in Wal-Mart. (Of course this may serve the purpose of keeping people away from you, especially if you gurgle and hack a little while you’re checking out the vitamins.)
Now, I don’t mean to make light of the Hun-None flu. After all the Very Important People are telling us that a lot of people might get really sick. (Gee….wasn’t there something last year that was supposed to kill us off?)
Golly. There’s no end to the things we can fret over: The gender controversy of African runners. Will Kevin Skinner win America’s Got Talent? Or….will that Malaysian butterfly flapping its wings be the cause of the worse hurricane to EVER hit the planet?
Oh. That last one really makes me nervous.
Anywho. Keep the medical questions coming. I’m going to go wash my hands now.
Signing off for now, T. Lode, LPN.
Filed under: Current events, humor, Just for fun, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: Americas Got Talent, H1N1, humor, Kevin Skinner, Mother Lode column, Mother Lode humor, Swine Flu | 3 Comments »
