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    Theresa Lode or, simply “T”, had her world turned upside down and inside out when her son was diagnosed with ADHD and a few other goodies. Her choice- follow the doctor's orders....or trust her heart and delve into the world of Free Range Education. She chose the latter...

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The Mother Lode’s Power Bag Workout

Posted on March 23, 2010 by therealmotherlode

I was whining about my shin splint rehab to my friend Sheryl the other day when she mentioned a new fitness tool: Kettlebells.

“Kettle Bags?” I responded.  “You mean those things the Salvation Army uses…”

“No, KettleBELLS,” she replied patiently, she knows I’m a little slow sometimes.  Sheryl would make a good therapist.

I watched a short video of men squatting and grunting while swinging, their, um, Kettlebells, between their legs. Eeeeeeyooooouuuuuu.  There will no Kettlebells ringing in my future.

I poured myself some Diet Coke and and kept looking until I stumbled across something that really grabbed my attention:

Bulgarian Power Bag

Unleash the mental/physical potential within you!

This Bad Boy will set you back $215 + S&h

I’m all about unleashing potential. I scrutinized the buff young man wearing a very tight tee-shirt emblazoned with a fluorescent hammer and sickle.  Some Russian militant music was playing and I set down my Diet Coke.  This fitness stuff is serious business!

The web copy read:

The Bulgarian Training Bag is the ultimate extreme fitness tool for both serious Olympic caliber athletes and the average fitness enthusiast. If your (sic) looking for a method of training that maximizes your strength, muscular endurance, cardiovascular fitness, mobility, and overall explosiveness then continue to read.

Explosiveness, overall or even isolated events of such, is something I generally try to avoid but I kept reading…

The shape of the bag is designed to allow for both upper and lower body training while emphasizing grip strength at all times. The three different types of handles allow the athletes to execute exercises by using different grips. Every size bag and weight can be identified by the different colors of the strap handle.

I considered the assortment of eco-friendly bags from Aldi, Wal-Mart, among others, in the back of my Odyssey.  I continued…

The Bag strengthens and increases your muscular endurance of your grip, wrists, arms, shoulders, back, legs, rotational muscles, core musculature, coordination, proprioception and overall shoulder and joint mobility.

Wow!  I was getting jazzed imagining my new chiseled body. Now if could replace my Leno Chin Toning Workout, I’d be a happy camper.

Yeah, baby!

But then I read what was in that bag:

Sandbags, rice, bales, sacks loaded with hemp, heavy stones and war clubs were all used for the development of strength….

Why…why….That sounds like a trip to Wally World!  (Note to self: bring your war club next time.) And it was then my new idea began to coalesce:

Introducing the Wal-Mart Power Bag workout!

Do you feel the burn?

(Added bonus- car keys in mouth adds helps with chin toning.)  I can hardly wait to tell Sheryl about my new discovery.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a some videos to upload on Youtube.

Filed under: humor, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

The Mother Lode’s Kick Butt Workout!

Posted on November 13, 2009 by therealmotherlode

When I headed into the YMCA the other day I was ambushed by a ninja looking chick.  She was dressed in black from head to toe and had a blond pony tail pulled through her cap and looked incredibly firm and agile.

“Would you like to try a boot camp demo?” she asked.  Behind her, I saw there was another similarly dressed man (minus the pony tail) doing arm curls with a VW Bug.  He was barking at a well-nourished middle-aged woman who had collapsed on the pavement and was sobbing.  “Gimme FIFTEEN more push ups lady!  You didn’t think I was paying attention, did you?!”

A couple of college kids, who also looked very firm, were huffing and puffing around what looked to be a trebouchet and I was wondering if they were getting ready to launch off somewhere.

I regarded Miss Pony Tail and adjusted my Wal Mart bag which contained my swimsuit.  And a baby Snickers. Lap swimming can be exhausting.   I said,  “How about the ‘camp’ part?  Can I just do that?”

“You should give it a try!” she offered.  Her pony tail swung when she spoke.  I hate that.

I replied, “When you have a ‘slipper’ camp….gimme a call.  Until then, I’ll just stick with my laps, thanks.”

She tossed her pony tail back and hopped over to a yoga-mat-toting potential victim participant.

My days of boot camp, step aerobics, “power pump” and long distance running have been over for some time.

I had a friend recently invite me to a “Zumba” class (“Zumba”- from the ancient Mayan language which, as best as linguists can tell, means…”Can’t get out of bed in the morning.”)

I was actually considering attending, when, I swear I’m not making this up, her daughter sent me a chilling warning.  “Don’t go Theresa!  My sister went and it made her cry!”

This is a conundrum for me.  I love exercise….love being in shape.  But my range of choices keep shrinking with each year that passes.

Which is why I’m excited to announce a new workout routine that’s bound to bring new hope and health to the physically unfit. I’m calling it, “The Mother Lode’s Kick Butt Workout”…so called because you’ll kick yourself in the butt for not trying this sooner.

Daniel will be my technical director and then… watch out You Tube!  I’ll keep you posted on this exciting new development.

In the meanwhile,  if you’re heading to the Y anytime soon, I’d approach that building very carefully if I were you.

theresa_sig

 

Filed under: humor, Just for fun, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

And you thought YOU had problems?

Posted on November 11, 2009 by therealmotherlode
veggies

Be very afraid!

This one can be filed under, “Yes You Too May Have a Label.”

“People might think it is a bit of a laughable affliction…but the actual sight of them fills me with dread and I could never touch them,” Vicki Larrieux, 22, a British student.

What, pray tell, terrorizes this young Brit?  (Here’s the article.)

If you guessed assault rifles, a petri dish with Ebola cultures or hissing cockroaches you would be wrong.

Larrieux is terrified of vegetables and suffers from “lachanophobia” which dictionary.com defines as:

Well, there is no definition to be found there.  Must be a pretty new phobia.

I did find a few spurious websites however that offers hope and help for this malady.

One site sells a “Home Study Program” ($135) or the VIP (“Very Important Vegetable”) package for One on One assistance from a Board certified Specialist (AKA “a gardener”) for only $2,497.

Living a life at peas (har) with vegetables is not cheap evidently.  Fear is a very big industry!

I considered a few of my fears over the years:

  • Middle aged men in Speedos
  • That “special” talk in 5th grade
  • The Kohls’ dressing room
  • Breaking down on the highway and having an axe-murderer stop to assist Or—having that axe-murderer surprising me just as I’m sudsing up my hair in the shower.
  • Breaking wind in a windowless room among friends

The world is indeed a very scary place.

I wonder what the therapy will be like for this woman.  Will it be confrontational and cathartic whereby they strap her to a table and wave carrots and bean sprouts under her nose?

Will she be force to watch Veggie Tales videos repeatedly until she can smile and nod maniacally along with the lyrics to their theme song:

If you like to talk to tomatoes,
If a squash can make you smile,
If you like to waltz with potatoes,
Up and down the produce aisle…

I hope she comes to terms with her affliction.

One the other hand, perhaps the military should look to spreading this fear.  Think of the possibilities!   Instead of expensive weaponry in modern warfare, we can simply fling collard greens and brussel sprouts at one another.  Police could be armed with garden produce, (“Put your hands where I can see them sir, I have a carrot.”) and unruly children would be a thing of the past (“Don’t make me use the green beans on you!”)

One can dream anyway.

I know for me, the older I get the more at peace I am with my issues and have learned to live a full and satisfying life in spite of them.  For the most part anyway.  Speedos still really frighten me.

theresa_sig

Filed under: humor, Labels are for Soup Cans, Stress and worry, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

What assumes the lotus blossom position….

Posted on November 2, 2009 by therealmotherlode

….goes “uuuuuummmmmmmmmm” and flies?  (I’ll just be waiting right over here, kay?)

Give up?

Aerial Yoga!

I stumbled onto this disturbing trend the other day when I was reading a local magazine entitled Me! Me! Me!

It’s a magazine devoted to narcissistic women, women of means.  This is evident by the advertisers, one of whom, I swear I’m not making this up, is a BOARD CERTIFIED EYE LID Surgeon.  (Buy one lid, get one free!)

But I digress.  I guess for those who aren’t interested in “Hot Yoga” (Yoga performed in a room hot enough to roast pumpkin seeds,) Aerial Yoga is for those seeking to bring their Yoga experience to the next level.  (Har-dee-har-har.)

My curiosity got the better of me so I did a little research.  “Unnata Yoga” (“Unnata” is Sanskrit for “unnatural,”) incorporates traditional yoga with the exhilaration of swinging from fabric bands. Think, flying pretzels:

hangingout

Not my idea of "hanging out" with friends.

Truly this can’t be healthy.  And I hope to heaven that if a person ever finds me in a predicament like this…

pleasehelpme….they will have the good sense to dial 9-1-1.  And quick!  (And then get me a cup of coffee.)

Yeah, yeah.  I know. Yoga moves can make a body more flexible.  And flexibility is something I take very seriously at my advancing age.  (Thankfully, I’ve discovered  the margarita-and-a-hot-tub move.)  It’s much easier on the joints and I don’t have to carry around a mat.  And trust me, the world is not ready to see this body in yoga pants.

Truth be told, those photos conjured up other, more disturbing, images in my head:

Coma_film_posterIf you read this medical thriller by Robin Cook, you’ll recall the plot:

Patient goes in for an innocuous surgery and is sedated to never to wake again so their organs can be harvested for the black market.  (Cue to malevolent music.)

I wonder if some of them were having their eyelids done…..

theresa_sig

Filed under: humor, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Hello adolescence, goodbye brain cells

Posted on September 24, 2009 by therealmotherlode

Yesterday I’m on the phone with Molly’s school.  And like usual, I have to scurry back to my room to try to find a quiet place so I don’t sound like a babbling idiot, which I am these last few weeks, but I digress.

The counselor, a very helpful woman, is working on Molly’s schedule.  No, I don’t think the advance math class would be a good idea, I say.  She IS a very bright girl however….

Molly appears in the room.  Her arms are hanging limply by her side, flat affect on her face.  She mutters something.

I twist up my face and wave my hand pointing to the phone and then swinging it toward the door.  Does that need any interpretation?

I tell the counselor Molly is a very motivated young lady and will….

Molly mutters again…arms still hanging limply by her side.  I hear something about “a dang quesadilla” (pronounced “que-sa-dill-a”).  EGADS!  Is that drool on her chin?  Her head continues to just hang there like a ripe fruit just before it falls from the tree.

WHO is this child and where’d they take the one I was just describing?

“Thank you so very much for your help,” I purr.  It’s hard to purr when you’re snapping your fingers and swinging your arm but I think I pulled it off.

The phone call ends.

“WHAT was so blasted important?” I roared.  Uh-oh.  My evil twin was taking over.

Molly’s affect remains the same.  “The dang que-sa-dill-a is burning.”  Oh no.  NOW I get it.  This was her Napolean Dynamite imitation.

I run down into the kitchen.  Molly follows behind me.  Daniel and Caleb are both sitting up at the counter on stools informing me in unison that the “dang que-sa-dill-a” is burning.  BILLOWS of smoke are pouring out of the frying pan.

Molly mutters something , “I told you…” but I snap at her to be quiet.

I grab the pan and rush out to the deck.  Oh good grief.  I hope this doesn’t attract the fire department.  And lemme tell you, the pan wasn’t the only thing smoking.

“WHAT”S THE MATTER WITH YOU KIDS?!”

Molly continues in her Napolean imitation, “I moved it off the burner.”

“OKAY!  No more Napolean Dynamite in this home!  And it’s que-sa-dee-ah from now on,” I snap.

Uh-oh.  Who’s looking stupid now?

And the worse part….I think I initiated this nonsense by asking the kids if they wanted a “dang …” oh, you know, for lunch.  And then that call interrupted it.  I do not handle interruptions as well as I used to.

The smoke from the pan…and my ears…dissipated.

They lost their brain….I lost my temper.  I think the score was about even.

Calm now I asked, “Why didn’t you get it out of the pan?”

They all shrugged, blank looks in their eyes.  Oh, heaven help me.  My mind flashed back to working with middle schoolers.  One minute they’re normal human beings….the next….

I couldn’t help but laugh.  And then they laughed.

And then we had some (unburned) que-sa-dill-ahs.

Filed under: family life, humor, Just for fun, parenting, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The ML answers your questions about H1N1

Posted on August 26, 2009 by therealmotherlode
The nurse will see you now

The nurse will see you now

Every so often, I receive an email from a mom asking me about ADHD and her issues with a child.   Lately though, it would seem that there is a perception out there that I know a little about health issues too.  I shouldn’t be surprised because, after all, I am a Licensed Practical Nurse. (LPN)

This is opposed to what I was last year which was an Unlicensed Practical Nurse. (UPN)  After passing the rigorous standards to regain my license (I mailed a check for two hundred bucks to the state,) I have been reinstated and can now legally use the title “LPN.”    And hence I am qualified to dispense medical advice.

Now about the Swine Flu.  Here’s a question from a concerned reader:

Dear Mother Lode,  The media reports are really scaring me.  It says half of us might die over the next year from the Swine Flu (H1N1).  Should I build a bunker, lay up a good supply of surgical masks and wait for it to pass?  Signed, Scared

Dear Scared,

I’m so glad you took the time out of your busy day to email me.  First, I find the name “H1N1″ a little cumbersome to use. How about if we just call it the Hun-None flu.  Isn’t that clever?  I took H-One, N-One, and combined them.  I just love the versatility of the English language….

Okay back to your question.  Should you build a bunker?  Well, that depends on your resources.  Are we talking a simple shelter in the boonies or are we talking concrete reinforced bunker surrounded by razor wire, guard towers and German Dober-Weilers?

I personally am rather fond of the “shelter in the boonies” idea and find the idea quite relaxing.  Now, I have some Republican friends who are leaning more towards the latter idea.  But since we’re talking about the Hun-None flu, I’ll point out that razor wire and guard towers are completely ineffective when it comes to quelling a determined virus. And besides, those dogs would scare me.

Now regarding the surgical mask.  I’ll defer to my friend West Connor who just so happens to be a real doctor.  Rough paraphrase but he said something like:

” You’ve got to be kidding.  You bunch of goobers! Those masks have enough space in them for virus to fly through sidewise without touching sides!”  (Thank you, Dr. Connor.)

Unless of course, you could sport a mask if you’re looking to make a fashion statement.  Sort of like those “Green” shopping bags announce to the world that you’re concerned, responsible person and are doing your part to save Terra Firma.   Nothing says “CAREFUL!”  and “I’m taking care of my health, how about YOU?” like a surgical mask proudly worn in Wal-Mart.  (Of course this may serve the purpose of keeping people away from you, especially if you gurgle and hack a little while you’re checking out the vitamins.)

Now, I don’t mean to make light of the Hun-None flu.  After all the Very Important People are telling us that a lot of people might get really sick. (Gee….wasn’t there something last year that was supposed to kill us off?)

Golly.  There’s no end to the things we can fret over: The gender controversy of African runners.  Will Kevin Skinner win America’s Got Talent?  Or….will that Malaysian butterfly flapping its wings be the cause of the worse hurricane to EVER hit the planet?

Oh.  That last one really makes me nervous.

Anywho.  Keep the medical questions coming.  I’m going to go wash my hands now.

Signing off for now, T. Lode, LPN.

theresa_sig

Filed under: Current events, humor, Just for fun, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

That’s “I’m BIG” for short

Posted on January 27, 2009 by therealmotherlode

This is an old Mother Lode column….thought I’d run it again for those of us (ahem) need to address some (ahem-ahem) issues.

So I’m standing in the Franklin Wal-Mart customer service line when my eye wanders up to a framed poster of Faith Hill. Next to it is the sweater she wore in the photo. I squinted and studied the garment.

The last time I’d worn something that size, Nixon was in office. If I wasn’t retaining water, it might fit my calf, I mused.

Later at home, I acknowledged I was feeling a bit prickly about my weight.

But I was going to face my fear: the scale. Tightly closing my eyes, I stepped onto it, hoping that my light-footedness would somehow help. I unclenched one eye to take a peek.

“Mom, are you okay?” I could hear my children’s’ concerned voices from the other side of the bathroom door. Guess they never heard me screech before. (Well, truthfully, they have heard me screech but that’s another column.)

I’m not saying that my weight was that bad, if, for instance, I had just given birth to octuplets. Or if there were three Faith Hills on the scale with me. But I couldn’t console myself out of this one. Not since my control-top pantyhose lost control have I been this depressed about my weight. I needed help.

“International Ministries Birthed in God,” that’s “I’M BIG” was said to be an exciting new faith-based weight loss ministry with a unique bent that involves Subway sandwiches and Scripture. I took the bait. I searched the community section of the newspaper to find meeting times and made plans to attend.

“Welcome to ‘I’M BIG,’” stated the meeting moderator. I eyeballed her suspiciously. She was simply too thin. I glanced around the room hoping to spot someone who was bigger than I.

I sat next to “Trudy,” and smiled. “How long have you been attending ‘I’M BIG?” I inquired. “Four years,” came the reply. “Oh.”

At least I didn’t look as big sitting next to her.

“How many of you have sat across from your thin friends as they pushed away their plate of half eaten food?” the moderator inquired. A few hands went up. One woman, burdened with the need to confess blurted out, “I’ve even asked them if I could finish the food.” Heads nodded up and down in acknowledgement. A few bit their lips, trembling with emotion.

“Tonight we’re going to deal with that issue. We’re also going to deal with something of a much more, forgive the pun, weighty matter. We are going to discuss victory over chocolate.” Miss Skin and Bones wasted no time getting to the heart of the issue, I noted. “How many of you have lost the battle over chocolate?” she inquired. A few meekly raised their hands.
I clutched my purse. It held a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. I was quite proud I had only eaten half of it. Stay away from my chocolate, lady, I thought to myself.

“Chocolate is icky!” She said. “Chocolate is not your friend.” A few heads nodded. A quiet “amen” was voiced from the back corner. “How many of you ate chocolate today?” she spoke, leaning over the podium with a pointed finger. I tried to keep from squirming and wondered if she could discern the awful truth about what was in my bag. Not only was I a terrible chocolate addict, the evidence was all over me.

“I’M BIG is here to help you! I’M BIG is going to help you say “no” to chocolate and every other form of ungodliness! I’M BIG will set you free from those stretch pants! Free from oversized shirts!” The atmosphere took on an evangelistic fervor. A grumble from my tummy interrupted my thought and I remembered I hadn’t eaten dinner.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t realize the room had quieted down and everyone was looking at me. Everyone was standing except for me. Trudy nudged me and whispered, “Everyone is taking a chocolate abstinence vow.” Whew! Was it hot in here?

I glanced down at my hand. My knuckles were white from clutching my purse with the contraband. I glanced up at all the earnest faces looking at me. “Ummmm, I thought this was an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting,” I squeaked.

I slipped out of the meeting, cheeks afire. I cleared the front door and ran to the safety of my car. I was even hungrier now. I took the Reese’s out of my purse and popped the whole thing in my mouth. I nearly purred with pleasure and concluded “I’M BIG” just wasn’t my cup of cocoa.

And I faced the truth. Work all I want on my weight, I’ll never be a Faith Hill. Which is a good thing–my sweater would look terrible in a frame.

Filed under: humor, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

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