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    Theresa Lode or, simply “T”, had her world turned upside down and inside out when her son was diagnosed with ADHD and a few other goodies. Her choice- follow the doctor's orders....or trust her heart and delve into the world of Free Range Education. She chose the latter...

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The Mother Lode’s Power Bag Workout

Posted on March 23, 2010 by therealmotherlode

I was whining about my shin splint rehab to my friend Sheryl the other day when she mentioned a new fitness tool: Kettlebells.

“Kettle Bags?” I responded.  “You mean those things the Salvation Army uses…”

“No, KettleBELLS,” she replied patiently, she knows I’m a little slow sometimes.  Sheryl would make a good therapist.

I watched a short video of men squatting and grunting while swinging, their, um, Kettlebells, between their legs. Eeeeeeyooooouuuuuu.  There will no Kettlebells ringing in my future.

I poured myself some Diet Coke and and kept looking until I stumbled across something that really grabbed my attention:

Bulgarian Power Bag

Unleash the mental/physical potential within you!

This Bad Boy will set you back $215 + S&h

I’m all about unleashing potential. I scrutinized the buff young man wearing a very tight tee-shirt emblazoned with a fluorescent hammer and sickle.  Some Russian militant music was playing and I set down my Diet Coke.  This fitness stuff is serious business!

The web copy read:

The Bulgarian Training Bag is the ultimate extreme fitness tool for both serious Olympic caliber athletes and the average fitness enthusiast. If your (sic) looking for a method of training that maximizes your strength, muscular endurance, cardiovascular fitness, mobility, and overall explosiveness then continue to read.

Explosiveness, overall or even isolated events of such, is something I generally try to avoid but I kept reading…

The shape of the bag is designed to allow for both upper and lower body training while emphasizing grip strength at all times. The three different types of handles allow the athletes to execute exercises by using different grips. Every size bag and weight can be identified by the different colors of the strap handle.

I considered the assortment of eco-friendly bags from Aldi, Wal-Mart, among others, in the back of my Odyssey.  I continued…

The Bag strengthens and increases your muscular endurance of your grip, wrists, arms, shoulders, back, legs, rotational muscles, core musculature, coordination, proprioception and overall shoulder and joint mobility.

Wow!  I was getting jazzed imagining my new chiseled body. Now if could replace my Leno Chin Toning Workout, I’d be a happy camper.

Yeah, baby!

But then I read what was in that bag:

Sandbags, rice, bales, sacks loaded with hemp, heavy stones and war clubs were all used for the development of strength….

Why…why….That sounds like a trip to Wally World!  (Note to self: bring your war club next time.) And it was then my new idea began to coalesce:

Introducing the Wal-Mart Power Bag workout!

Do you feel the burn?

(Added bonus- car keys in mouth adds helps with chin toning.)  I can hardly wait to tell Sheryl about my new discovery.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a some videos to upload on Youtube.

Filed under: humor, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

What took you so long?

Posted on February 16, 2010 by therealmotherlode

It is 9:00am on a typical weekend day in the Lode home.  We need to leave by 9:45am.

I make The Announcement. “It is 9:00.  The bus is leaving in 45 minutes promptly!”

Molly gives me a disinterested glance from behind her book.  She cozily snuggled under a pile of blankets on the couch.

Caleb, flashes me the frosty eye from his Xbox.

Daniel?  “MOM!  Listen to this new dial tone I created by soldering this circuit to this circuit.”  He’s popped in briefly from his lair to share his latest idea.

Jay needs just “another minute” on the computer.

Let’s see.  We’ll need a snack for later.  A book to read; we’ve got a bit of a drive.  Speaking of books, maybe we should swing through the library and drop off the books that are due in a few days.  And while we’re in the neighborhood, I should….

9:30am…

“We’re leaving in 15 minutes everyone! Jay? JAY?”

“Uh, yeah…just a minute…”

“Would you please check and see if Caleb still has a pulse?  And while you’re at it, unplug the Xbox.”

Molly is still reading.  I realize that I’m feeling VERY crabby because the telephone has been incessantly ringing from Daniel’s room.  He’s experimenting with ring tones.

9:40am…

I do the key jingling thing that my mom always used to do.  “I’ll be in the van!  Don’t hurry.”

“But, BUT…my shoes are wet!” “Mom have you washed any of my socks?”

“Lemme just finish this…”

9:47…

I have screeched, prodded, threatened and beaten everyone out to the van.  Wet shoes and all.

I gather up my purse and my book.

Oh wait.  Daniel left his light on. And then I spy the unlocked back door.  Is the coffee pot off? And oh shoot, Caleb didn’t start the dishwasher like he was supposed to and we won’t have any clean bowls for soup later this afternoon…. And doggone it…where is that other book???

The phone rings.  I glance at the Caller ID.  Call back, honey! It’s one of the kid’s friends.

9:55…

Good thing I know to pad my time estimates.  Closing the door behind me takes a feat of balance and dexterity worthy of an Olympic Gold, considering the load I’m carrying.

I stumble out to the van, two go mugs, a book bag over one shoulder, my gaping purse threatening spilling its guts when I lean over to pick up a tissue someone dropped on the sidewalk.

I collapse in the van.  Jay is serenely filing a fingernail.  Molly and Caleb are chattering about something.  On the radio, Brad Paisley is singing “Waiting on a Woman.”  If I ever, ever meet that man…I’m going to smack him….

And Daniel, who is lacing up his size 11’s in the aisle, asks,

What took you so long, Mom?

Filed under: humor, Just for fun, parenting, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »

Kool Aid- It’s not just for drinking anymore!

Posted on January 12, 2010 by therealmotherlode

I wish I had a GPS for my kids sometimes.  Then I could see where they’re going when they say something as innocuous as “Do we have any Kool Aid?”

But I quickly figured out the direction this conversation was headed when Molly then asked, “What would you think if I colored my hair bright pink?”  Yes, it was Molly.  The one with the gorgeous, cascading mane of red hair.  Molly, the girl who’s heard most of her life, “do you know women pay a lot of money for your hair color.”   My daughter.

I was pretty certain Rainbow Brite wasn’t looking for a new spokesgirl so I asked her why.She shrugged and said those words echoing in the homes of adolescents worldwide, “I dunno.”

Images of my daughter with florescent cotton candy hair and fishing tackle hanging from her nose flashed through my mind.  I could hear the gasps as she walks up to the piano to perform a Bach concerto at her next recital.  Would she want to start wearing a tee-shirt that says “I’m a baaaaaad girl.”  Oh sweet mercy, Jesus help me.

“What exactly did you have in mind?” So far, so good.  No quiver in my voice.

“I read online that I can use Kool Aid as a temporary hair color,” Molly said.  Oh Yeah. I could hear those commercials from the 70′s now running through my head.  (I probably suffer from some undiagnosed mental condition like Overactive Imagination Disorder.)

Hmmm.  That seemed reasonable.  Though it did flash through my mind that with a single letter change, I could turn “Kool” into “Kook.”  Kool Aid as hair dye.  Yes-  Kook Aid would be about right.

“You need to research a little more to make certain you’re not going to destroy your hair,” I advised.

Soon she was headed into our bathroom with a package of grape Kool Aid, a bowl and a wide tooth comb.  And a big smile.

She emerged afterward looking very drippy and smelling grapey.  Jay raised an eyebrow at me.  I shrugged trying to convey How much harm could this do?

Then I went into the bathroom.  Oh. My. Gawd.  It looked like the scene of Kool Aid Massacre.

"And in the News tonight, the beloved Kool Aid man found massacred in a Nashville suburban neighborhood. The chilling details at ten."

“MOLLY!  GET IN HERE!”

She showed up, purple streaks racing down her face.  She grinned.  ‘Uh, yeah?”

Given the amount of purple Kool Aid splattered everywhere, she could have blended right in with the amount of Kool Aid she was wearing.

Purple streaks were on the sink.  On the floor.  The mirror. How the HECK did that get in the tub?

She pushed a purple lock out of her eye with an cyanotic looking hand and shrugged.  A little purple river trickled from her ear.

What kind of a mother am I?I let my daughter dye her hair purple but then I get more upset over mess in the bathroom.

But I couldn’t get over the crime scene-ish feel to it.  I kept hearing  a cheery “Hey Kool Aid!” running through my mind.  I pictured yellow crime tape outlining the shape of that darn pitcher.

After order was restored Molly unveiled her new look.  Well sorta.  I was planning on the color not taking too well and that’s precisely what happened.  (Or would be that what didn’t happen?)  Of course, I knew there was a possibility my daughter would resemble a Popsicle.

I see that hand in the back of the class.  What kind of mother am I to let my daughter do that?  Actually, it’s a question that echoes in my own head.  Well, since I’ve already established the basis for a mental disorder with myself, that’s not an unreasonable question.

Choices.  It’s that wonderful….and potentially dangerous thing that God has granted every human.

I thought of all the goofy things I did as a teen and as a young adult…or as a middle aged adult.  And I’ve also thought of the times where I’ve prayed for direction and have felt a whispered What would you like?

It’s exhilarating when we realize the power of choice and it’s something I want to indulge with my kids as much as possible while they’re under my roof. That way when some choices end badly, we can help them walk through the consequences.

Molly did ask me if it would make me mad if she decided to really dye her hair pink.  I told her I think it would make me more sad than mad.

I told her I thought having pink hair would give people the wrong impression about who she is on the inside.  Told her that I hope she doesn’t play into the lies fed to girls about their appearances.  And we talked about choices.

Yes….until someone DOES invent a GPS for kids; you never know where a discussion will head.  But that’s okay because the real adventure isn’t in the destination, it’s in enjoying the journey.  And my kids continue to teach me things everyday.  Like how Kool Aid isn’t just for drinking anymore.

Filed under: family life, humor, parenting, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Snowflake spotted- City shuts down!

Posted on January 7, 2010 by therealmotherlode

The actual photo responsible for shutting down Middle Tennessee

FRANKLIN, TENN (AP)- It started out as a typical day for Vivian Meekers.  The 47-year-old was getting ready for work when she went outside to warm up her car.  Fate interrupted her plans.

“It was right there. On my windshield,” she says, adding  “I knew I needed to do something, and fast.”  The quick thinking librarian called 9-1-1 and set in motion the wheels of a well-oiled emergency response team.

What follows is a portion of the actual 911 transcript:

911 operator: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?

Meekins:  A SNOW FLAKE!  It’s a SNOWFLAKE for crying out loud!!!

911- Ma’am, I need to you calm down.

Meekins: It’s right here!  I’m looking at it right now!

911-Ma’am, calm down!  Does your cell phone have a camera?

Meekins: Uh, yeah….I’m sorry…this is so upsetting…

911- Okay, Ma’am…I need you to SNAP a photo of this. Take a deep breath.

Within moments of that phone call, the emergency weather team headed up by the hyperventilating Leesha Paddon of the channel 6 News Team interupted regularly scheduled programming.

Franklin Kroger Manager, Alvin Whitehead was one of the first to hear.  “We are set up on a ‘First Flake Alert’ system so I knew it was coming before the general public was aware of what was going on.”

“People might find it amusing but we take the increased demands for milk and bread very seriously,” Whitehead says.  He adds that one year a skirmish by the dairy case ended badly when two housewives duked it out over the last gallon of two percent.

Soon, banners announcing school closures and weather warnings were scrolling across every TV in the Midstate area.  Even those that were turned off.

Emily Throttlebottom, 23, was shopping for a new TV in Best Buy when she saw the news.  “It was especially frightening seeing all those warnings flash on the ninety-seven inch plasmas, but I knew I needed to get over to Kroger and quickly,” she says.  “I had  just bought milk and bread yesterday but, I don’t know, like, I just felt compelled.”

She notes the drive to Kroger had an apocalyptic feel to it, “It was like, really freaky, seeing all those, like, helicopters.”

The helicopters are the latest addition to the First Flake Alert forces.  Paddon states, “We take snow very, very seriously.”

Thanks to the quick intervention of so many, the citizens of Middle Tennessean can breath easy.  Maybe.

Latest updates reveal that the snow warning has been downgraded to a “Very real, frightening possibility of the possibility of more snow.”

Paddon urges viewers  to drop everything and continue monitoring  the TV for further weather bulletins as they become available.  “One can’t be too careful,” she says.

Filed under: Current events, humor, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

A very disturbing report

Posted on November 20, 2009 by therealmotherlode

L'eggo that Eggo, lady!!

My first awareness came when I rounded the corner in the freezer department of Publix.  There was an annoying fellow talking loudly on his cell phone so I didn’t catch it at first.  My bad angel, Marcella, wanted to accidentally on purpose run my buggy up his heels.  Thankfully, I seized control of the moment.  And then what I saw took my breath away.

The freezer case was empty!  My mind flashed back to photos of Soviet era grocery stores.  Oh my! What’s going on?  Was the tomato sauce shelf full?  What about the Salt and Vinegar Kettle Crunch Tater Chips?

Get a hold of yourself, Theresa!

There were fluorescent signs plastered over the doors.  It said,

Due to a manufacturing glitch, Eggo Waffles are not available at this time.  We will supply you with them once again as soon as this crisis has passed.  You may ACTUALLY have to remember how to cook waffles now; GET A LIFE, EH?!  Bwaaaa-haa-haa-haa.

Okay, that’s not exactly what it said.  But close enough.

Egads.  First Oprah’s announcing the end of her show and now this.  How much can the human spirit endure?

When I got home my journalist’s instinct kicked in; I just knew I had to get to the bottom of this!  And I found this disturbing report from CBS news.

The report, “Kellogg Warns of Eggo Waffle Shortage,” states that two of their four plants had their production interrupted by events that mandate repairs, “for an undisclosed amount of time.”

Sends a chill down your spine. doesn’t it?  Will their be Apocalyptic/Mad Max sort of fights break out around our nation’s freezer cases with women assaulting one another with their Gucci bags screaming, “L’EGGO MY EGGO?” as the shortages increase?

Will the local police department need to establish a “Eggo Task Force” to keep masses from rioting in the streets?

This is indeed very disturbing.  But thankfully, the report did state that according to a source from Kellogg’s that,  “We are working around the clock to restore Eggo store inventories to normal levels as quickly as possible.”

I don’t know about you but this mom’s going to sleep better tonight.

And in the meanwhile, if the Eggo shortage has your kiddies in an uproar, fear not.  One resourceful person has made their stock of Eggo’s available to the highest bidder.

Let us all pray this horrible situation ends before Oprah does.

Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

The Mother Lode’s Kick Butt Workout!

Posted on November 13, 2009 by therealmotherlode

When I headed into the YMCA the other day I was ambushed by a ninja looking chick.  She was dressed in black from head to toe and had a blond pony tail pulled through her cap and looked incredibly firm and agile.

“Would you like to try a boot camp demo?” she asked.  Behind her, I saw there was another similarly dressed man (minus the pony tail) doing arm curls with a VW Bug.  He was barking at a well-nourished middle-aged woman who had collapsed on the pavement and was sobbing.  “Gimme FIFTEEN more push ups lady!  You didn’t think I was paying attention, did you?!”

A couple of college kids, who also looked very firm, were huffing and puffing around what looked to be a trebouchet and I was wondering if they were getting ready to launch off somewhere.

I regarded Miss Pony Tail and adjusted my Wal Mart bag which contained my swimsuit.  And a baby Snickers. Lap swimming can be exhausting.   I said,  “How about the ‘camp’ part?  Can I just do that?”

“You should give it a try!” she offered.  Her pony tail swung when she spoke.  I hate that.

I replied, “When you have a ‘slipper’ camp….gimme a call.  Until then, I’ll just stick with my laps, thanks.”

She tossed her pony tail back and hopped over to a yoga-mat-toting potential victim participant.

My days of boot camp, step aerobics, “power pump” and long distance running have been over for some time.

I had a friend recently invite me to a “Zumba” class (“Zumba”- from the ancient Mayan language which, as best as linguists can tell, means…”Can’t get out of bed in the morning.”)

I was actually considering attending, when, I swear I’m not making this up, her daughter sent me a chilling warning.  “Don’t go Theresa!  My sister went and it made her cry!”

This is a conundrum for me.  I love exercise….love being in shape.  But my range of choices keep shrinking with each year that passes.

Which is why I’m excited to announce a new workout routine that’s bound to bring new hope and health to the physically unfit. I’m calling it, “The Mother Lode’s Kick Butt Workout”…so called because you’ll kick yourself in the butt for not trying this sooner.

Daniel will be my technical director and then… watch out You Tube!  I’ll keep you posted on this exciting new development.

In the meanwhile,  if you’re heading to the Y anytime soon, I’d approach that building very carefully if I were you.

theresa_sig

 

Filed under: humor, Just for fun, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

And you thought YOU had problems?

Posted on November 11, 2009 by therealmotherlode
veggies

Be very afraid!

This one can be filed under, “Yes You Too May Have a Label.”

“People might think it is a bit of a laughable affliction…but the actual sight of them fills me with dread and I could never touch them,” Vicki Larrieux, 22, a British student.

What, pray tell, terrorizes this young Brit?  (Here’s the article.)

If you guessed assault rifles, a petri dish with Ebola cultures or hissing cockroaches you would be wrong.

Larrieux is terrified of vegetables and suffers from “lachanophobia” which dictionary.com defines as:

Well, there is no definition to be found there.  Must be a pretty new phobia.

I did find a few spurious websites however that offers hope and help for this malady.

One site sells a “Home Study Program” ($135) or the VIP (“Very Important Vegetable”) package for One on One assistance from a Board certified Specialist (AKA “a gardener”) for only $2,497.

Living a life at peas (har) with vegetables is not cheap evidently.  Fear is a very big industry!

I considered a few of my fears over the years:

  • Middle aged men in Speedos
  • That “special” talk in 5th grade
  • The Kohls’ dressing room
  • Breaking down on the highway and having an axe-murderer stop to assist Or—having that axe-murderer surprising me just as I’m sudsing up my hair in the shower.
  • Breaking wind in a windowless room among friends

The world is indeed a very scary place.

I wonder what the therapy will be like for this woman.  Will it be confrontational and cathartic whereby they strap her to a table and wave carrots and bean sprouts under her nose?

Will she be force to watch Veggie Tales videos repeatedly until she can smile and nod maniacally along with the lyrics to their theme song:

If you like to talk to tomatoes,
If a squash can make you smile,
If you like to waltz with potatoes,
Up and down the produce aisle…

I hope she comes to terms with her affliction.

One the other hand, perhaps the military should look to spreading this fear.  Think of the possibilities!   Instead of expensive weaponry in modern warfare, we can simply fling collard greens and brussel sprouts at one another.  Police could be armed with garden produce, (“Put your hands where I can see them sir, I have a carrot.”) and unruly children would be a thing of the past (“Don’t make me use the green beans on you!”)

One can dream anyway.

I know for me, the older I get the more at peace I am with my issues and have learned to live a full and satisfying life in spite of them.  For the most part anyway.  Speedos still really frighten me.

theresa_sig

Filed under: humor, Labels are for Soup Cans, Stress and worry, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Mother Lode encourages young mothers

Posted on October 9, 2009 by therealmotherlode

Another helpful installment in my series, “Ask The Mother Lode”

Now that I’ve been past the diaper/toddler stage in my parenting journey for many years, I’ll sometimes have younger moms ask me questions on this delightful stage of child development. Let’s look at a few of their inquiries shall we?

Hettie Underwood of LaVergne, TN asks:

Why is it that whenever my child has “poopy” accidents it’s diarrhea?

Boy, I gotta kick this off with such a toughie.   This one stumps even The Mother Lode.  It’s one of those inexplicable laws of nature.  (The other of which is that it’s only when mom has a fresh shirt on will baby barf on you.  If this is a frequent occurrence like it was for me, I recommend overhauling your wardrobe with clothes fashioned from shower curtains.  Granted, you don’t feel as “nice” but clean up’s a snap.)

And another, from a woman we’ll simply call “Emma” given the intimate nature of her question-

Why is that, on the day I’m most exhausted  is the day that my hubby will step into our bedroom and ask….”Should I lock the door honey?”

You could recommend your hubby get a concubine (it IS in the Bible) but I’m not so sure this is a good idea.  (Think of Sarah.)  But I *think* the real problem here is the fact that mom is exhausted MOST days.  I could never figure out how to mitigate the exhaustion so I’m afraid you’re on your own here.

Melissa Schnazleworth of CT asks:

If evolution is true, shouldn’t young moms have 6 arms and 3 sets of eyes?

Yes.  That was easy.  Next question?

Amy Butzlauff of Bad Axe, MI asks two questions-

Will allowing my child to watch 4 hours of PBS kids rot their brains out?

No.  I speak from experience and to this date their brains are still intact.  I think.

And speaking of PBS- Is Barney of the Devil?

Does Barney allow mom to get a little peace and quiet?  I rest my case.

And from across the pond, Sara from South End on the Sea, England

My baby’s binky/paci/soother dropped on the floor…should I sterilize it?

This depends on how many children you have.  If it’s your first child, of course you should sterilize it.  Number two child?  Check for any lint and pick it off….number three….pop it in your own mouth to clean it off….four….well, I’m not even going there.  I’ve heard things…..

Sally from Butte, MT (That’s NOT pronounce, “Butt” people!)

I swore I’d never use a dishrag  to wipe off my child’s face but I’ve compromised.  Will my child get a strange infection on their face from kitchen bacteria?

I don’t think so.

Shannon Starlight (C’mon is that your REAL name?), CA (Ah! That explains it.)

A lot of people, strangers even, will often tell me to Enjoy them while they’re little. This is usually spoken to me as I’m leaving Wal Mart with a car seat in one hand, groceries in the other, my toddler hanging on to my jeans and my newborn hanging off my chest.  How should I respond?

In cases like this….you have my blessings to give ‘em a haymaker.  That is, if you can find a free limb. If not,  you have my permission to ask if they’d like to share your joy and help you out to your flippin’ mini van.  (There’s a reason Honda calls their mini-van an Odyssey.)

I do hope you’ve found this little Q & A chat.  Keep those questions coming!

The truth is that having toddlers is hard, hard work.  And I believe that there is a sort of amnesia that we parents experience which is why we continue to have the little darlings.

Keep the coffee brewing and a sense of humor handy and trust me….one day you’ll actually have time to yourself once again. It’s a fuzzy memory, I know.  You may even be able to sit at your computer and compose rambling blog entries….

theresa_sig

Filed under: family life, humor, parenting, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Hello adolescence, goodbye brain cells

Posted on September 24, 2009 by therealmotherlode

Yesterday I’m on the phone with Molly’s school.  And like usual, I have to scurry back to my room to try to find a quiet place so I don’t sound like a babbling idiot, which I am these last few weeks, but I digress.

The counselor, a very helpful woman, is working on Molly’s schedule.  No, I don’t think the advance math class would be a good idea, I say.  She IS a very bright girl however….

Molly appears in the room.  Her arms are hanging limply by her side, flat affect on her face.  She mutters something.

I twist up my face and wave my hand pointing to the phone and then swinging it toward the door.  Does that need any interpretation?

I tell the counselor Molly is a very motivated young lady and will….

Molly mutters again…arms still hanging limply by her side.  I hear something about “a dang quesadilla” (pronounced “que-sa-dill-a”).  EGADS!  Is that drool on her chin?  Her head continues to just hang there like a ripe fruit just before it falls from the tree.

WHO is this child and where’d they take the one I was just describing?

“Thank you so very much for your help,” I purr.  It’s hard to purr when you’re snapping your fingers and swinging your arm but I think I pulled it off.

The phone call ends.

“WHAT was so blasted important?” I roared.  Uh-oh.  My evil twin was taking over.

Molly’s affect remains the same.  “The dang que-sa-dill-a is burning.”  Oh no.  NOW I get it.  This was her Napolean Dynamite imitation.

I run down into the kitchen.  Molly follows behind me.  Daniel and Caleb are both sitting up at the counter on stools informing me in unison that the “dang que-sa-dill-a” is burning.  BILLOWS of smoke are pouring out of the frying pan.

Molly mutters something , “I told you…” but I snap at her to be quiet.

I grab the pan and rush out to the deck.  Oh good grief.  I hope this doesn’t attract the fire department.  And lemme tell you, the pan wasn’t the only thing smoking.

“WHAT”S THE MATTER WITH YOU KIDS?!”

Molly continues in her Napolean imitation, “I moved it off the burner.”

“OKAY!  No more Napolean Dynamite in this home!  And it’s que-sa-dee-ah from now on,” I snap.

Uh-oh.  Who’s looking stupid now?

And the worse part….I think I initiated this nonsense by asking the kids if they wanted a “dang …” oh, you know, for lunch.  And then that call interrupted it.  I do not handle interruptions as well as I used to.

The smoke from the pan…and my ears…dissipated.

They lost their brain….I lost my temper.  I think the score was about even.

Calm now I asked, “Why didn’t you get it out of the pan?”

They all shrugged, blank looks in their eyes.  Oh, heaven help me.  My mind flashed back to working with middle schoolers.  One minute they’re normal human beings….the next….

I couldn’t help but laugh.  And then they laughed.

And then we had some (unburned) que-sa-dill-ahs.

Filed under: family life, humor, Just for fun, parenting, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

White on White

Posted on September 21, 2009 by therealmotherlode

Years ago, Jay and I took an art class as part of our core requirements at the university. I naively thought we might actually learn a few fundamentals….like drawing perspective….using color, etc. The class consisted of the lecture where we learned to appreciate the nuances of Saran Wrap running the length of a beach. Or the beauty of a naked man suspended from giant fish hooks. How about the utter genius of an empty art gallery? (Not nearly as haunting as the naked dude but dramatic nonetheless.)

The “studio time” (and I use the term loosely) was run by a teaching assistant and consisted of projects such as making collages from cutting out magazine pictures and gluing them to poster board. (Think: 2nd grade.)

One session consisted of wandering the campus looking for “Found Objects” (read: Trash). He was nearly beside himself explaining how beautiful a piece of gum scrapped up from an elevator floor could add such dimension to a sculpture.

I was puzzled when I received my grade from a project. It was a “B”. It was upsetting because it was messing up my 4.0 GPA. So I asked him….”What do I need to do to get an “A” in this class?

Being a sensitive guy, I knew I made him nervous. And then it dawned on me! The weirder it is is….the higher the grade.

I set aside any expectations of trying to do something credible for the final art project. (Not that I was able to anyway.) And in a stroke of brilliance and a little help from my kitchen this is what I came up with. I wish I had a picture to show but imagine if you will:

I took two paper plates….you know the environment destroying foamy type. I flipped them upside down and glued them together. Then I took one of those foamy Hefty disposable bowls and flipped that upside down and glued it. It resembled a flying saucer.

Art is fun!

I thought about calling it good. But it didn’t feeeeeeeel right. Ah! It came to me. The pièce de résistance!

I scurried into the bathroom and grabbed a handful of cotton balls. Those got glued around the edges of the paper plates. I stood back to admire my creation. And I named it:

WHITE ON WHITE

I turned it in. I got an “A.”

And so the joke goes in the Lode home regarding my artistic talents.

After attending an international student festival this past weekend Jay surprised me with a little something.

“Close your eyes!” he said.

“It’s not a puppy is it?” I said.  “You know  don’t want anything that needs to be fed or watered…”

He placed it atop my open hands.

It was an art print of some white flowers in a white vase.  Quite lovely.

The title was, “White on White.”

Now I’m not suggesting that this lady snaked my idea but….

Nah.  Probably not.

But still.  I’m tempted to glue some cotton balls around the edges.

theresa_sig

Filed under: humor, Just for fun, The Mother Lode column | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

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