What with all the economic suffering in the world—women unable to impulse buy $400 boots and Asian nail techs everywhere attending their empty nail booths with nothing but their surgical masks to keep them company—I thought it was probably time to tighten the ole belt in the Lode home and prepare for the worse.
Which is why Jay was puzzled when I told him we needed an extra $1,000 for the shopping budget this month. The Mother Lode’s Guide to Survival, if you will. He perused my shopping list.
“What’s this?” he asked. “Right between the mac and cheese and the top ramen noodles?”
“Oh, I see you’re on the “Staples” portion of the list,” I take pride in my organized shopping list.
“100 pounds of dried beans?” he asked. Finding those hermetically sealed might take a little work.
I shrugged. I was bracing myself for when he hit the “beverages” section.
“THREE HUNDRED pounds of coffee beans?” he roared.
“Hello? Warships steaming to Cuba? Hellllooooooo???? Have you thought of the ramifications of what could happen if the coffee growing countries…”
Jay interrupted me.
“Slingshots… ammo… A HOWITZER?!”
I could feel my cheeks redden a bit. I may have gotten just a wee bit carried away there.
“Everyone else is loading up on handguns, I thought we’d better be able to outgun them in case they come after our coffee…”
“Would a Bazooka be better?” I admit, I am a novice when it comes to guns and such.
Jay kept reading, paused and regarded me from over the top of the sheet. He looked rather stern with his glasses perched on the end of his nose.
“One pallet of ibuprofen?”
“You have to ask about that?” I retorted. My hand reflexively rubbed my neck. I could feel a muscle spasm coming on.
“Five football helmets?” he asked, laughing.
“Well, we’ll see who’s laughing if you get a shoe lobbed at you.” The Secret Service may have been caught off guard but not this savvy mama. His look made me cross that off the list.
“Broccoli….Tomatoes…Onions…..a MATTRESS?” What’s this doing under “Produce”?” he asked.
“I ran out of space. That’s for money storage…you know….with all the banks going under and what not.”
At least he didn’t bawk at my chocolate supplies. I personally can’t think of anything more terrorizing than a bunch of PMS’y women finding there’s chocolate at the Lode’s if a chocolate shortage hits.
“Hey—there’s this prophet dude over in Utah who’s saying something BAD is going to happen sometime in the months ahead,” I could scarcely contain a shudder as I said it.
“I think you need to quit reading The Drudge Report” Jay replied.
True. The today’s report on “Survival Panic” was especially unsettling. I ran my home-manicured nail through my Natural Instincts hair. Maybe Jay had a point. And that reminds me—maybe I should lay in a good hair dye supply.
I’d hate to go through these tough times gray.